Saturday, March 13, 2010

St. Malachi and Some Mediocrity

I have to do this quickly and get back to my pharmacology notes, so here is the ugly rundown of my first race of 2010.

I had just come off a great long run and an incredibly stressful week where I thought I might actually fail out.  My stomach was a mess all week and my runs were incredibly flat.  I was struggling to run paces I had done easily for months.  My confidence had been shaken about racing this weekend, but I thought maybe I would be able to get it back together by Saturday, barring any additional school work. 

I did the 2 mile with AR as a warm-up and realized the air was a lot stickier/warmer than I liked.  I seeded myself, or rather did not seed myself and when the bell rang I was trapped in a sea of people.  I couldn't get going.  I couldn't get out.  I couldn't relax.  I was full of "could nots."  As I tried to maneuver around people I kept thinking "I must have missed the first mile marker."  It was taking forever, but then there it was.  I saw my first split of 7:41 and my race was over. 

A huge wave of disappointment washed over me and I just about stopped dead in my tracks.  What had just happened?  I thought about slowing down and trying to just have a "nice training run," but that is just not my style.  I just kept fuming, running in a state of shock.  I hit the second mile in 7:06, but it didn't matter I knew there was no coming back on that first mile and the negativity just encompassed me. 

My mental state did not improve, especially knowing the hills were yet to come.  I rounded the corner and just started stomping up the hill like a pissed off 3 year old.  How did I come off that first mile so slow?  I meant to go out easy, but not that easy!!  I crested the hill and my anger errupted.  I spit on the ground as if it would rid me of this slowness and my attitude.  Mile 3 was a 7:29.

The tantrum had done nothing to help me.  It did however take too much effort and some good old wheezing ensued.  I have learned my breathing issues are somewhat related to my emotions and if I don't stay calm it definitely can trigger some rather annoying honking on my part.  It doesn't slow me down so much per se anymore as it just sounds so damn annoying and irritating.  Mile 4 7:28.

There was a girl in a maroon shirt that I had run with for a large part of the race and I felt terrible for making her listen to me, so near the first bridge I apologized for my wheezing/honking.  She was very polite and responded that it was completely ok.  I got over the last bridge and headed for the turn to the last hill.  I was done.  I hated what was to come.  My legs were so tight and I was running very flat on a hilly course -- not so good.  It took everything in that moment to NOT walk up to the finish.  I got mowed down by runner after runner from that point on.  I had a big thought flashing in my head the entire way up "out kicked, out kicked, out kicked again, out kicked again, out kicked again.....and finished YOU SUCK!!!"  Mile 5 was 7:40.  Total time was 37:26.

Utterly disappointed with my performance, or lack therof I just wanted to grab a beer and a shot and unwind with my friends, but I have this stupid pharmacology exam on Monday and I have to work and FuCk!!!  I have to go home. 

I think mostly it is just misplace anger and anxiety from school.  I really like the clinicals and the idea of nursing but as each semester goes by I am just flabbergasted at how awful the majority of the faculty are.  I dread every day I have to go to that place now.  I feel more often times than not I would learn just as much if I home schooled myself, since that is basically what I do anyway now, except for the endless hours I sit in a class room and have instructors read directly from the powerpoint and then test us only on critical thinking(makes no sense).  If I was not in the accelerated program I would transfer in a heartbeat and I would never, ever recommend this program.  Anyway done ranting, only 10 more months and I will be able to get away from that place forever.  Grad school will definitely not be there!

1 comment:

The Salty One said...

If it makes you feel better, my first mile was 8:46! It might have been long. And speaking of which, NEVER trust those damn mile markers! They are often off and sometimes WAY off, so don't put too much stock in them. It's so easy to be hard on ourselves. I wish I knew the answer for moving beyond it to self-acceptance, but I am working on the project these days, myself. If you happen to figure it out, let me know! Sorry the weather was crappy and I bolted early. it was great to see you even if for just a minute :)