Monday, August 13, 2012

Rough Waters

Training is still rolling along.  I suffered through 19+ miles of running this morning after sleeping for about 20 hours after 3 straight days of work.  It seems inevitable that 3-4 days in a row at work is just a strain on my body.  Each day I get a little less sleep than the last, until I am nearly a zombie.  It seems so strange how the majority of the world works 5 days a week and deals, but I struggle with 3-4 in a row.

After 34+ years, I can't fool my body into thinking day is night, no matter what I do.  I've resolved to switching to days if I have more than one day in a row off (weekends) and hoping the boss puts this (3) 12 hour shifts/week into action soon.  It's funny how I work at a hospital and they preach "be healthy," yet I only get one meal for 30 minutes on a 12 hour shift (that I don't even get sometimes because I am too busy with patients), heck I only go to the bathroom when it's down to the wire and I'm not gonna get a choice in another minute or so.  I do however LOVE my job.  I can't imagine ever doing anything else.

The waves of difficulty come and go for me, just like Lake Erie's.  I'm definitely going through some "chop" right now after the loss of one of my favorite patient's about 2 weeks ago and then the GCT fatality.  Odd how I lost both of them to neuro issues.  I've stopped asking "why" but still go over and over stuff in my mind -- what I could have done differently, not that either would have made it for certain, but I can't stop.  The nightmares have started to subside (I always have them when I lose a patient I get close too).  I still cry discussing the beautiful memorial my patient's family had that I attended after work.  As for the other, it's still surreal and I go over and over the roll I played that day in my mind again and again, thinking about what could have been done differently.

I can only hope I've passed through this rough section and will hit some smooth waters for a bit.  It's crossed my mind that I have seen more dead people and watched way too many people literally die right in front of me all too often.  I have spent countless drives home crying and banging on the steering wheel in anger (no dent yet).

I often wonder how much death can a  person see, or more specifically me before it's too much.   

On the flipside, seeing how precious life really is daily, reminds me more often than most, it's the only one I have and it is not to be wasted.