Rough Waters

Training is still rolling along.  I suffered through 19+ miles of running this morning after sleeping for about 20 hours after 3 straight days of work.  It seems inevitable that 3-4 days in a row at work is just a strain on my body.  Each day I get a little less sleep than the last, until I am nearly a zombie.  It seems so strange how the majority of the world works 5 days a week and deals, but I struggle with 3-4 in a row.

After 34+ years, I can't fool my body into thinking day is night, no matter what I do.  I've resolved to switching to days if I have more than one day in a row off (weekends) and hoping the boss puts this (3) 12 hour shifts/week into action soon.  It's funny how I work at a hospital and they preach "be healthy," yet I only get one meal for 30 minutes on a 12 hour shift (that I don't even get sometimes because I am too busy with patients), heck I only go to the bathroom when it's down to the wire and I'm not gonna get a choice in another minute or so.  I do however LOVE my job.  I can't imagine ever doing anything else.

The waves of difficulty come and go for me, just like Lake Erie's.  I'm definitely going through some "chop" right now after the loss of one of my favorite patient's about 2 weeks ago and then the GCT fatality.  Odd how I lost both of them to neuro issues.  I've stopped asking "why" but still go over and over stuff in my mind -- what I could have done differently, not that either would have made it for certain, but I can't stop.  The nightmares have started to subside (I always have them when I lose a patient I get close too).  I still cry discussing the beautiful memorial my patient's family had that I attended after work.  As for the other, it's still surreal and I go over and over the roll I played that day in my mind again and again, thinking about what could have been done differently.

I can only hope I've passed through this rough section and will hit some smooth waters for a bit.  It's crossed my mind that I have seen more dead people and watched way too many people literally die right in front of me all too often.  I have spent countless drives home crying and banging on the steering wheel in anger (no dent yet).

I often wonder how much death can a  person see, or more specifically me before it's too much.   

On the flipside, seeing how precious life really is daily, reminds me more often than most, it's the only one I have and it is not to be wasted. 

Great Distractions

Life has been no less than pretty great since the holidays ended. I find my plate overloaded with tasty treats in 2012, but something is missing.

Work has been extremely busy as usual and overtime is inevitable for me.  The only way I seem to be able to avoid it is by making plans, so I can't stay or refusing to pick-up my cell phone on my days off, which I am working on.  I have made a decision to move to straight nights too.  The thought had been brewing for months now and after weighing all the pros and cons I think it will be worth it in the long run.  Some of the advantages included no more rotating shifts and getting on a regular sleep schedule.  Parking will be cheaper per month and I will make an more money. 

 I found myself purchasing a new vehicle.  A-train thinks it looks like a booger on wheels and I have to keep re-educating him that mucous is white to yellow and only green when infection is present, but alas I think it's a losing battle with him.  He's just gonna keep referring to my car as such.

My employer offered us FREE nose bleed seats to any Lake Erie Monster's game and A-train and I sat through three exciting periods of hockey.  The goalie that night (Gerald Coleman) was freakin' amazing only allowing 1 goal on about 30 shots.  Gloves and helmets even came off for a few brawls on the ice!!  Lately, when I go to watch the CAVS or Indians we have lost, but I finally broke my losing streak as the Monsters took the win 3-1. 

Before the game we needed to eat dinner and I decide I would keep it a secret from A-train that we were going to hit up The Chocolate Bar!!!  We each had a very tasty martini.  I got the chocolate banana creme and he got the boring plain old chocolate martini.  Mine was WAY better.  A-train picked brie with chutney for an appetizer.  Funny thing is he had never had chutney and wasn't sure what it was until I told him.  When it arrived he had absolutely no qualms about eating most of it.  The main course included pesto salmon for me and a buffalo chicken sandwhich with fresh kettle cooked chips for him. Overall the food was pretty good and the price was reasonable, except for the $10 martinis, but that's what we expected.



After what seemed like forever, we had an official GNO at BB's house. It was perfect with the exception of a damn snowstorm that hit that night, so the roads on the way home were less than ideal for driving on. MK also left her hazards on and drained her battery, but thankfully e-speed and I knew how to jump a car, so she was back in business after we borrowed BB's jumber cables. 

I did manage to get my hands on this stuff too while I was there ....

Barrel-Aged Blackout Stout

Blackout Stout aged in oak bourbon barrels.

ABV: 9.5%

ABW: 7.6%

IBU: 50

Awards

• Gold Medal, 2011 World Beer Championships

 

And let me tell you -- it's pretty dam good!

On the horizon first and foremost is my vacation to Kauai!!  It's only 19 days away and I can't wait.  I am finally going to see the ocean up close and personal.  Only 10% of the island has roads and offers quite a few places to hike.  I plan to attempt surfing and scuba diving (or at least snorkeling), horseback riding and we are going to be there for Waimea Town Celebration. 

And although, things are different in a great way, deep down I carry with me a little bit of sadness and a lot of yearning that I still can't run the miles I so badly want to.  My foot has reached an impasse.  It's no better or no worse.  I'm still waiting for them to complete my orthotics and sneaking in 3-4 miles once or twice a week just to hear the ground crunching under my feet and my heartbeat pumping hard as I trot along.  I guess there just are no substitutions for true loves.

An Unnecessary Thank You

In my last post I mentioned I had received a letter from a family member of a cancer patient thanking me for my "help." As I also mentioned I don't feel I did anything extraordinary, but I did what I do, and will ALWAYS do for my patients. This is why I chose oncology and why I can be an oncology nurse.

Yes, it tears me apart when a patient and his wife get discharged after just being told to go to the beach, spend time with your loved ones because all avenues of treatment have been exhausted and goodbyes are less than a year away, like I did on Friday last week. I shed a few tears of my own with them and hugged them goodbye, really pissed off there wasn't anything else I could do for him, angry that this stupd disease existed.

This stupid disease can scare even the strongest and bravest at any moment, even those with very promising outcomes, like my other patient. He needed 3 cycles of chemo and had tolerated the first cycle just fine, but this second round he was hit with chemo-induced nausea and vomiting (CINV), and it scared him so badly he wanted me to stop his infusion pumps and discharge him at that instant. We talked (and I don't consider myself funny, but for some reason others do and my sense of humor has become an asset in oncology) and laughed, even left the building for a little bit. In the end, he survived his second round of chemotherapy and gave me a huge bear hug before he left the unit to go home upon discharge.

I am always touched by the large and small gestures of cancer patients and their families. It reminds me even for those who I can't help save, perhaps the support and care I gave them helped ease their mind and pain for just one second.

Anyway, here are the letters I received from the family...

"I would like to acknowledge Beth for being such a kind,compassionate and informative nurse. She has provided patient X, who has cancer and is struggling with this, has renewed my hope in our profession. The time, care and true understanding of a pt's needs made me proud to have met her."

and (same family, different person)

"I wanted to thank you for going above and beyond, showing sincere compassion for patient X when he needed it. You are an incredible nurse, and my family is thankful he was in your hands."

and the letter they wrote to my boss...

"Dear (ElizaBeth's Boss),

I wanted to thank you for being kind to patient X, although I know you treat everyone like that-I would just like to recognize your thoughtfulness.

Also your nurse Elizabeth Hxxxx, (I hope I spelled it correctly), showed patient X empathy, warmth, and understanding during a difficult time. Despite having other work to attend to, she took time to destress patient X by walking him outside, which made all the difference. She had to stay late to chart and never complained about it, instead she held patient X's hand and talked with my family. She admitted she is a newer nurse, but one would not be able to tell. Her thoroughness, motivation and skills preceded her. She is your best asset and thought you should know how wonderful one of your own has done.

On behalf of patient X, my family and myself-thank you!"

It was extremely kind of this family and unnecessary for them to recognize me like this and I appreciate their kind words more than they will ever know.

Round 5....

was in my opinion a fail!  Monday started off well with the race and some additional running, but then Tuesday I was asked to work over, Wednesday I was scheduled 12, Thursday I tried to get back on the horse, but by Friday I got bucked off.  Friday I had my first float shift to a leukemia floor (and no it's not the same stuff as on my floor) for 8 hours only to have the boss call and ask if I could stay over for a total of 12 and then with the full moon Saturday and Sunday the patient's went crazy!!  When it was all said and done I worked 63 hours.

Although, running was not the focus of my time for the week I feel the work I put in with my patients was well worth the trade (I'll even share a letter I got from a patient's family in another post).  I don't feel I went above and beyond or did anything I wouldn't normally do. 

Mon AM: 12.3 (0.73 mile warm-up, 5k race, 3.42 mile cool-down)
Mon PM: 5.05 (8:33/mile a little bit harder than an easy run)
Tues: OFF
Wed: OFF
Thur: 11.62 (8:40/mile - long run)
Fri: OFF
Sat: OFF
Sun: OFF (very glad, but tired this work marathon was over for 2 days)

Total: 23.92 miles

Round 4

I have been following this SmartCoach training plan from Runner's World.  It has me running 3 times a week (one long run and one tempo or speedwork and then an easy 3-6 miler). I have been able to run those workouts and then squeeze in easy miles around the two (hard) workouts the best I can. I have managed to cover about 10-15 miles more than this plan calls for which makes me feel a lot better than picking a more intense, harder program would have.  I believe the latter would just frustate me because of my ever changing work schedule.  The additional mileage has come by doing doubles on my days off and on days when it seems pretty much silly to suit up to run but I have jumped on the treadmill to get in a mere 2 miles at a poker's pace, just to say ... "I ran."

Mon: OFF
Tues: 2 miles (treadmill easy - 10:00/mile)
Wed: OFF
Thur: 15.25 miles (roads - 8:34/mile - skies opened up and lightening tried to strike this turtle down!!)
Fri:
Sat: 4.1 miles (roads easy - 9:00/mile)
Sun: 11.1 (SERC run - 8:29 - quads felt beat-up)

Total: 32.45 miles

Each week there are days I really just don't want to do the mileage to break 30 or even 10 miles, but when I type this up I'm glad I did.  I think this running is also really helping keep my head about me at work.  I had my second code blue (in retrospect, the patient never truly lost a pulse ) at work yesterday and was the second responder, never left the room and took it all in stride.  Also, had a patient who wanted to stop treatment in the middle of his chemo bags and leave due to severe chemotherapy induced nausea vomiting and a PCNA that was to say the least not very helpful yesterday.  I think I punched out at 9:30ish last night for another 14 hour day and I'm ready to go at it all over again -- after I enjoy my day off today ;o)

Work vs. Training - Let the Battle Begin

I have had a rather challenging time figuring out how to solidify a training regiment that fits my revolving schedule.  It is nearly impossible to workout on the days when I work 12 hour shifts and if I am behind to begin with on my sleep, the days I work 8's I find myself coming home exhausted and falling into bed in hopes of catching up on some much needed rest and forgoing yet another workout. 

I am still fighting the good fight, trying not to succumb to the ever popular American lifestyle.  That one which the way too many are overworked throughout the day and come home to eating comfort food and laying on the couch only wishing they had the energy to get out there and do it. 

All that said, last week's training was pretty much thwarted by my 53 hours of work (not counting drive time).  Saturday night, I barely made it to A-train's house a little after 10pm, without falling asleep at the wheel, to pass out and get back up at 5:15 am and do it all over again.  Each day at work was more and more stressful for me.  Lots of complications (neutropenic fever, nausea/vomiting, constipation, high methotrexate levels, bone mets with compression fractures and my all time favorite c-diff) made the thought of the day "F me!!"  I couldn't hang blood, potassium, set-up PCA pumps and provide emotional support for extremely anxious family members who wanted to vent on me fast enough.  I kept thinking "who is gonna die?"  and that's who I would go see and that meant sometimes 1 of my 5 patient's didn't see me for a few hours. 

Anyway, here is the rundown for the last two weeks. 

Week of 8/8-8/14
Mon: off
Tues: off
Wed: off
Thur: 11.11 ran (3.0 in afternoonat 10:00/mile, 2.96 warm-up and 5.15 race)
Fri: 4.5 ran easy (9:25/mile)
Sat: 9.55 trails at S. Chagrin (10:03/mile)
Sun: 10.5 long run (8:40/mile - ran around at Perfect 10 miler)

Total: 35.67 miles

Week of 8/15-8/21
Mon: off
Tues: off
Wed: off
Thur: 6.5 speedwork (2 mile warm-up, 2 x 1 mile at 7:38 and 1 x 1 mile at 7:35 with 800 meter RI at 10:00/mile)
Fri: 10.15 trails at N. Chagrin (9:09/mile)
Sat: off
Sun: off

Total: 16.65