Round 5....

was in my opinion a fail!  Monday started off well with the race and some additional running, but then Tuesday I was asked to work over, Wednesday I was scheduled 12, Thursday I tried to get back on the horse, but by Friday I got bucked off.  Friday I had my first float shift to a leukemia floor (and no it's not the same stuff as on my floor) for 8 hours only to have the boss call and ask if I could stay over for a total of 12 and then with the full moon Saturday and Sunday the patient's went crazy!!  When it was all said and done I worked 63 hours.

Although, running was not the focus of my time for the week I feel the work I put in with my patients was well worth the trade (I'll even share a letter I got from a patient's family in another post).  I don't feel I went above and beyond or did anything I wouldn't normally do. 

Mon AM: 12.3 (0.73 mile warm-up, 5k race, 3.42 mile cool-down)
Mon PM: 5.05 (8:33/mile a little bit harder than an easy run)
Tues: OFF
Wed: OFF
Thur: 11.62 (8:40/mile - long run)
Fri: OFF
Sat: OFF
Sun: OFF (very glad, but tired this work marathon was over for 2 days)

Total: 23.92 miles

The Graveyard Shift and Sleeping Spells

My orientation for work was over about a week or two ago as my re-assessment went into the green --- duh!!  I know how to memorize answers and type it on a computer screen, if given the chance to study.  Believe me if you come in with fevers after chemotherapy, you can bet your a$$, I am gonna poke you with a needle (even you e-speed, not a big one though), draw some blood cultures, give you an IV and anticipate the doctor wants you on vancomycin and zosyn for the infection and tylenol for the fever, and then if you start pooping all over on me I'm gonna grab a poop sample too -- So look out and don't get sick or I'll be coming for you :)

Anyway, my orientation was thankfully extended another few weeks, because I somehow managed to avoid the graveyard shift and floating over to bone marrow transplant and leukemia to work.  BMT scares the crap out of me because those people have absolutely no white blood cells to fight infection and even family members can't kiss or hug them when they are in!!  Just sneezing on them could kill them.  I went up there for a few hours this past weekend and then they stuck me on nights all week this week and next week. 

Nights shift is 7p-7:30a.  It has it's benefits.  There a less orders going in and the patients usually go to sleep, so you just have to assess them and pass meds until about 10:00p then you can chart and read up on the notes to better understand each case.  There are a few that wake up in pain and need meds or have round the clock antibiotics, but it is definitely more my speed and I make more money working night shift, simply because it's night shift.  The only down side is I can't sleep!  I tried to stay up late on Sunday, but was out like a light before midnight.  I woke up at 8:00am on Monday and had some breakfast and then went back to bed until a little before noon.  The first night was fine for me.  I got home around 10:00a on Tuesday and was only able to sleep from 11am-2p.  I ate something and read a book until 4p and was able to sleep for another hour.  I had to shower at 5p and head to work and knew it was going to be ugly by 7:30a the next morning.  The shift went fairly smooth.  I picked up two patients at 11:30p, which I hate because they are already alseep and I have to wake them up to assess them unfortunatley or wait until early morning when lab comes around and cluster the care.  It can put me behind on my charting then and if something goes wrong I haven't assessed them and pin-pointing the problem becomes more difficult, so waking them up it is. 

I left around 8:15am, report took forever and before I was even half way home I could feel myself dozing off.  I called my dad and tried to call to him, but my hand was shaking as I held the phone.  Finally, I pulled into the JCC on S. Woodland.  I was about half way home and I knew it was too risky.  I pulled into a spot in the back, grabbed my Indians blanket and slept in my truck for an hour and a half, before some landscaper's mower hit my truck with some rocks and woke me up.  I drove home and went straight to bed around 11am and didn't wake up until 7:30pm.  I managed to eat something and stay awake until 9:30pm before going back to bed and not moving until 10:00am this morning.

I have to do it all over again this Saturday and Sunday, so I really have to get a game plan together.  I can't be driving home in rush hour traffic dead to the world, only to sleep for an entire day after!  I'm thinking until I figure this sleeping in the day time thing out (from 9am-5pm) I am going to have to take some sleeping pills to help me.  I can't afford to be unsafe at work or in my car.  Maybe I will be crashing at the A-train hotel more often than even he knows (also, feel free to leave a comment for him that he owes a post regarding his race at Taylorsville, if you have time!!)

Forced

That is the theme as of late for me, force myself to get up, force myself to go run, force myself to fall asleep, but it's very exciting nevertheless to be out in the big bad nursing world.

I received my first paycheck -- finally, after not having any income since January 26th.  It was a very welcome blessing.  I can't say how much it makes me happy to know that every two weeks I will get one of those puppies direct deposited into my account (heck yeah!!). 

I finally, started with one of my two regular preceptors this week and I felt much more comfortable and a lot less lost.  Medication administration makes me extremely nervous and it is taught to check the patient, dose, drug, route, time etc... three times before giving it to the patient.  I check about seven.  The idea of a medication error scares that crap out of me.  Last night, I worked a twelve (ended up a thirteen) and by the end of the night I was passing meds alone, no supervision or help.  I felt so insecure about giving insulin subcutaneously and pushing dilaudid into IVs I would swing by the nursing station and have another nurse confirm the right dose for me.  It's still my butt, if I give the wrong med and I can lose my license, so a million checks it is.  I ended up with about two hours of OT this week, which will only make my next check a little fatter (Woot!!)

On the running front, I am struggling with motivational issues right now.  I have had to force myself to go running as soon as I get home when I work an eight or I will just go into couch potato mode.  Thursday, I got home a little after 4:30p, changed and head out for an hour and a half only to come home, do laundry, eat dinner and have about 45 minutes before I had to go back to bed (very exciting life).  The days I work my twelves, I have yet to run.  It baffles me how to find the time to get a run in thus far.  I have yet to make it home on time and by the time I get home, I am freakin' exhausted.  I've gotten up at 4:30am a few times in an attempt to go out before I leave, but I just end up seeing the low temps and saying to hell with that and doing some yoga and stretching or going back to bed for another 30 minutes.  I had a good 11 mile run the other day with 5 miles at tempo pace, but I was really flat and felt horrible at the track Tuesday night.  The 'guestimated' paces for me were just too much and after only 1800 meters, I was suffering, by  2400, it was over and I ended up just jogging around the track for the remainder of the workout.  It was a little disheartening, but not the end of the world.  I haven't ran farther than 13.1 miles since the 1/2 marathon earlier in the month and with Boston only 3 weeks away, I really need to get in at least one more 18+ miler. 

I am hoping I can force myself to go here in a little bit.

The First Day

After nearly two full weeks of training and orientation I was finally scheduled to work on my unit.  It was a 12 hour shift (7a-7:30p), so when I got up at 5:00 am, I knew by the time I got home around 8:30 pm I was gonna be wiped.  It was so great to be back and see so many familiar faces.  It was a whirlwind of a day and of course, problems arose all at once rather than consecutively.  I spent a large part of the date observing IV drug administration and getting all my passwords set-up for the time clock, the computer, the pyxis machine (it's like a pop machine, but it dispenses drugs at no charge). 

I had my first up close and personal experience with an Indiana pouch.  I think those things are so cool!  Patients that have an ostomy bag on the outside of their body that can smell and must be emptied often suffer from self-image issues, but this internal pouch is pretty sweet for those who need new bladders.  The stoma itself just looked like a second belly button off to the left of my patient's abdomen.  The patient said catheterizing himself at regular intervals was pretty painless too.

We've added tele to our floor since I was there as an undergrad and reading EKG's has become more common.  I didn't care for them in my first undergrad and I still don't much enjoy counting the little boxes and trying not to go blind as I measure the PR interval or the QRS complex, but I am definitely better at it after spending two full eight hour days reviewing the material earlier in the week. 

Anyway, I was sitting at the nurse's station with about 45 minutes left of my day when I heard this strange noise that kind of sounded familiar to me, but I couldn't place it.  Out of the corner of my eye, around me, I saw a few nurses jump up quickly and call out a room number as they headed down the hall.  It registered at that point what it was.  "Oh sh*t!!"  A code blue really?  On my first freakin' day back, just when I was almost done!!!"  I jumped up and hauled ass down the hall to the patient's room.  It had been the tele monitor alarm indicating the patient's heart rythm was a flat line.  I was thinking two things, man I am not ready for this and if I was going to be in on this code, I definitely wanted to do compressions or bag the guy.  No way was I gonna put the central line in, if needed or push atropine, epinephrine, etc into said line. 

Luckily, when I got to the room, it turned out the patient was trying to get up to go the bathroom and had pulled a wire.  CHEESE AND RICE PEOPLE!!!  I was relieved, no code today for me.  I went back to my desk and prayed I would make it to 7:30 pm without any more codes or craziness.  The full moon was Saturday, not today.  I had a chance at normalcy and freedom still. 

Exhausted at 7:45pm I dropped off my time sheet and headed for the elevators.  I made it down to ground floor and had to get through the J building to get out by my car, but before I escaped I could see a couple looking a little confused.  I knew they were lost and I debated stopping.  I stopped.  They were lost and I ended up taking a ten minute detour into another building and up the elevators to escort them to the appropriate floor.  They told me their daughter was extremely sick and while I was exhausted, I wasn't sick and no one I loved was either.  The extra few minutes it took to help them were well spent. I left them in the waiting room of the unit their daughter was being transferred into and headed back out.  Finally, made it to my car a few minutes after 8:00 pm.  I was ready to head home.

Day 1: DONE

Results are in...

By 3:00 pm on Friday, the Ohio Board of Nursing still had the words "pending" by my name.  I was dying a slow death inside.  Most of my friends had found out by noon the day after their exams and I knew if mine weren't up by 5:00 pm I would have to wait until Monday!!!  I wouldn't survive that long with my anxiety.  I needed a straight jacket.  I needed Ativan.  I needed results.

I finally threw my running clothes on and texted A I was going out and gave him the information to check my status on-line if he wanted to while I was gone.  I swore to myself I would not return until after 5 pm.  The run turned out to be the best thing for me.  Mile by mile I slowly lost focus on the boards and just looked at the road ahead.  My IPOD wa turned up full volume, drowining out all my thoughts.  Peace of mind was filtering in and taking over, ahhhh thank goodness.

Eventually, I had no choice but to return to reality and at 5:05 pm I arrived back at my drive way.  I ran upstairs to see I had missed (2) phone calls, (2) text messages and (2) emails.  Oh man, something was going on, could it be, it had to be...my results were posted.

Sure enough, I went to the website and pulled up my name and there it was plain as day, my name with an active status and an RN number!!  It was over.  I had passed!!  I was officially an RN.

Hell Yeah!!!

Resignation

I did it!!  After a little more than 6 years at the restaurant I wrote up my resignation two weeks ago notifying them of my last day.  I am a little sad, but extremely excited.  Some things that I just wont miss...

Crappy tippers -- I have never really discussed tipping on my blog, but before I stop serving here is my $0.02.  I approve of most of my friends tipping, but some are completely awful!  The going rate for good service is at least 18%.  If you can't tip don't go out to eat.  Servers make $3.50/hour + tips and then tip-out 2.25% at our restaurant, so if some table comes in has a $100 check and leaves $5.00, I just made $2.75 after tip-out.  If you stiff me, I am in the hole $2.25 and it costs me to come to work!!  I have people tell me all the time they are crappy tippers and I tell them that's fine because I give crappy service.  Ask yourself: How would you feel if someone was messing with your money?  Would you laugh at the funny joke?  No, so don't expect me to either. 

Unprofessionalism -- All the servers, that yell at each other, refuse to help out and do their assigned work, well I say be gone, bye bye, I wont miss you!  I often think that if I was too lazy to change IV tubing or an IV itself in the hospital, I would hands down lose my job.  That's how it is at work.  I wont miss how the bartender is married with 2 kids and sleeping with a server who has her own kid or all the people that have DUIs and have no money for rent because they spent it at the bar! 

Improperly cooked food -- I wont miss how ticket times get up to 25-30 minutes when we are busy and guests want us to give them a free meal.  "Jesus people!  We are busy!!  We can only fit so many steaks on the grill."  Also, when we tell you the steak will be a warm-red, HELLO, there will be blood.  A sirloin "well done, not burnt" will not be juicy.  You got the cheapest steak, because it is the cow's ass, of course it will be tough.

Some of the things I will miss are...

My girls (RG, DVL & TI).   They have such great work ethic and if we hadn't stuck together during the many moments of insanity, we may have all walked out and quit.  I told them I would come in next Christmas and tip them all $100.  All too often people under tip than over tip. 

My awesome regulars, who came in religiously over the years to keep me up to date on their adventures while enjoying some unhealthy, but tasty food.  I genuinely enjoyed getting to know all these wonderful people and share many laughs.  I have been saying my good-byes and introducing them to the other 3 awesome ladies I worked with so that they can continue to come in and have an a good experience at the restaurant. 

I am even gonna miss my GM, who is so much like my dad.  He is impossible to talk to when the restaurant is on fire and yells in a time of crisis (kinda like Chef Ramsey), but in the end he means well and loves you with all his heart, like you're one of the family.  Deep down, he is a big softy.  Sometimes, I think too much.  He needs to expect more out of his staff and put down the law, stop this letting them slide on their work. 

Alas, I am going to an hourly wage, with full benefits, paid time off and full-time hours in 4 days with the opportunity for overtime!!  I am so happy to know my paycheck will no longer depend on how well I can kiss ass or how educated or uneducated a customer is :) 

As of February 23, 2011, I am officially no longer a server.

The Big News

Well, if you haven't guessed my beyond exciting news from my other post by now, you obviously don't care about my life in any way, but I got a job!!!!

If you read through my prior posts this fall, you will see I worked in oncology, solid tumor to be exact and I can't express enough how much I loved the work and the team of healthcare professionals I worked with, nurses, doctors, physicians assistants, case managers and PCNAs.  My preceptors had asked me what I thought of the unit while I was there and I of course told her it was really well run and such a great atmosphere.  She then asked me "would you wanna work here?"  I thought "HELL YEAH," but responded with "absolutely, this is a great place." 

I was fortunate enough to spend a shift shadowing the nurse manager (the boss) and getting to know her (she is very direct, no non-sense and super cool).  I went to a staff meeting and they covered important topics that I can't disuss here, but they also covered small things too.  I remember her asking where was the coffee machine for her staff?  Although, silly and miniscual she cared about here staff and wanted her staff's needs met big and small.  This woman was my kind of boss!!  As my practicum progressed, I had short encounters with her and she even asked for help with drip calculations on the new pumps and what I thought of her unit as a nursing student.  I told her I loved it and if a position ever opened, I would be more than excited to work for her. 

Fast forward to about three weeks ago: My semester was coming to a close and I was excited to be done with step 1: get the degree.  Step 2 & Step 3 would commence at the same time, i.e. pass boards, get licensed and find a job.  I had applied for  position in leukemia, bone marrow transplant and cardiovascular units, but got the response "thanks, but no thanks."  It appeared nobody wanted to hire an ulicensed nurse with no experience, but then I got an email from my old nurse manager that a positioin had opened up and I should post for it.  Immediately I did and I got a call for a phone interview a few days later.  I was excited and nervous.  I went through questions on the internet on how to best answers questions about your weaknesses, why you feel you are qualified and why you want to work on a unit and had nearly two pages of single spaced 11 inch font answers all ready for the the phone interview and no, I am not a worrier, or neurotic, or a perfectionist ;)

I got the call and it took all of ten minutes.  I breezed through it and felt really good about my answers.  I was told I would get a call back in about a week if they were interested.  Okay, here we go witht the waiting game.  I thanked HR and hung up, but then my phone rang not an hour later and I was shaking -- CRAP!!  They had forgotten to ask me something or I was that bad they knew immediately how much I sucked.  I answer (Gulp) "Hello." 

"Hi, E, We have your results and you did really well and we are calling to set up a two hour working interview with the nurse manager."  Oh my God, you are, I thought!!  "Oh that's awesome!" I said.  We discussed times scheduled it at 9:00 am on the following Wednesday.  I would then have to haul ass down to KSU by 1:00pm, since Psych class takes attendance -- blah!!

December 1st, I dressed in my scrubs and headed down to my old stomping ground (or to what felt like it anyway).  I got there about 15 minutes early and ended up hugging lots of nurses and saying "hi." Everybody seemed pretty glad to see me.  My preceptor was there and I got a huge hug from her, have I mentioned how great she is?  I waited until about 8:55 am to head down to KD's (the nurse manager) office.  We chatted for not even an hour about everything.  We were then supposed to commence with the shadowing but the resonse I received was "you already know the floor, the nurses and how the unit works.  I am not going to make you shadow.  You can leave or you can go visit with the nurses, or just hang out, whatever you like, just don't pass any medications."  I laughed, this was so awesome, even a little fun.  She told me she would know within a week, who she would be hiring, but HR is slow so if I didn't get a call in a week, then don't to panic.  I left her office and helped my preceptor care for a patient who was vomiting, changed some sheets, helped a guy arrange for his dinner and said my good-byes, hopefully not for the last time. 

One week later, I had received no phone call and I was devastated.  I had sent a thank you letter and worried and worried and -- nothing.  Some of my classmatesknew about the interview and would ask me everyday "did you get the call yet?" "No, they don't want me.  I am not gonna get it"  I said.  "Yes, you will!  They love you" they said.  I hadn't really told anybody for fear of cursing myself, but maybe the few who did know were enough to curse me anyway.

This Thursday, I had stayed up until about 2:00 am working on my last project and so I heard my phone at 9:30 am on Friday morning I was a little groggy, until I saw the number. It was THEM!!!  I sat up quickiy and had a huge head rush.  My heart was pounding in my chest.  I felt like I was under water.  I was losing my hearing.  Oh, Sh*t!!!!  I am gonna pass out.

Me: (heart rate is well above 100 bpm) "Hello."
Them: "Hi is E. there."
Me: (Of course, it's me!!  This is my cell, who else would it be?) "Yes, this is she."
Them: "This is so and so from the so and so."
Me: (I know who it is!!  I have been waiting for you to call all freakin' week!!) "Yes, hi, how are you?"
Them: "Oh, great.  Thank you. And yourself"
Me: (my heart is about to explode and I am ready to puke, how do you think I am feeling) "I am doing really well. Thanks."
Them: "Well, I am calling on behalf of KD, about the RN position on such and such a unit."
Me: (of course, I know what you are calling on behalf of!!) "Oh yes?!?!"
Them: "Well we would like to offer you the position (goes over shift, pay, details etc...)  "Would you like to accept?  Oh wait do you have any questions?"
Me: (Yeah, why did you wait so long to call and Hell No, go back to your question!!!!) "No, I have no questions."
Them: "Well, would you like to accept the offer or would you like time to think about it?"
Me:  (that's all I have thought about for a week and a half, how much more time do I need?!?!?!) "Um, no I don't need time to think about it.  I WOULD LOVE TO ACCEPT THE POSITION." 
Them: "Great!"  then she goes over more details and requirements for start date and hangs up.

I sat there for a good two minutes just staring at my door and smiling and then I jumped off my bed and yelled "I DID IT!!! I GOT A JOB!!!!!"  I am an idiot, but an excited one nonetheless.  I found a job in nursing before graduation and on the unit I wanted to boot.  I had heard horror stories about kids who had graduated in August still looking for jobs, but not me.  I was on top of the world, now to pass my finals and my boards.  (HELL YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Bleeding Hearts

Boy did I hit a nerve today at clinicals. 

It is inevitable that working in the healthcare field is going to bring up the problem of healthcare reform.  While I usually try to play devil's advocate or take an opposing side just for the sake of argument, today it happened because I can't stand the sympathetic, pity party for sooooooo  many who don't deserve it. 

It seems the majority of my classmates believe that ALL people in the United States should get equal healthcare.  I don't quite feel that way.  I believe that since healthcare is tied to income, those who have jobs and pay for it should be allotted healthcare and those who are unemployed, having unprotected sex and having unplanned pregnancies are shit out of luck.  I am a firm believer in Darwinism.  If it comes down to providing food clothing and money for my kid or giving it to someone else's kid because they can't too freakin' bad.  If all these bleeding hearts want to adopt a person without healthcare or a family fine, but don't force me to follow the rules, pay for my healthcare and then charge me money for those who don't. 

I would be all for healthcare for all people if it wasn't a "throw money at the problem" solution.  I believe education, health promotion and disease prevention are key, but not an allowance. (hence my decision to work in the field of nursing -- perhaps I will move to Oregon and do assisted suicide --LOL) 

I see healthcare as a priviledge, not a right.  Why should a smoker or a person that goes to McDonald's everyday and makes poor food choices be given the same healthcare as me?  Both are risk factors for higher inicidences of many diseases.  Why should some homeless bum who spends her life doing drugs and drinking receive healthcare when she gets pregnant?  It is her mistake hence, her problem!  Abortion is a couple hundred bucks.  I would much rather give her the money for the abortion, than pay for her and her kid.  Lets face it, the kid will probably not be that special one that does anything with his or her life anyway (Birds of a Feather...).  And don't give me that "the Lord wanted me to have a baby" garbage, because I didn't get the message from Him that said I had to pay for it!!  Survival of the fittest, if you can't protect yourself and your young...SEE YOU! 

If two kids were dying and both needed a heart transplant, but there was only one heart and you paid into the healthcare system for you and your child all your life and some ghetto-ass, drug addicted mom brought in her baby for the same heart, do you really think that is fair?  I know it's not the child's fault but I refuse to allow the government to make me responsible for a mistake (having unprotected sex), that was followed by another mistake (having the baby) because these people don't believe in birth control or abortion. 

Our society is irresponsible and indulgent.  Americans, can't control money, can't control their diet and they can't control their sexual urges it seems.  We need to teach people discipline, refrain and control while educating them and empowering them to take responsibility for their lives and the lives of their children, not say "oh, it's okay, somebody out there worked really hard and can throw money at the problem for you!  Don't worry, you can continue to be a total fucking loser and never be held accountable.  It's not your fault." 
(I know there are a exceptions to the rule and some people who lose their jobs and are trying.  A system that helps them would be awesome to be in place, but these other people = Be Gone!

Cardiac rehab showed me the unwillingness of so many to change their diet (high fat, high salt, obesity) and lifestyle habits (stress, smoking, inactivity).  I work with a bunch of single moms who worry more about where they are going out after work ends then getting home to their kids.  They all know better, but they don't care and I am suppose to care?

Give me a fucking break!!  Take some responsibility!! Grow up!! 

Our healthcare system is the Titanic. We are sinking and we do not have enough life boats. We are not all gonna make it.

What to do? What to do?

It's over.  It's really over!  I am half way done with this accelerated nursing program.  I finished my last final at midnight last night for genetics.  My grades have gone in the crapper, but I am passing. 

Pediatrics - C (teachers thought maybe I had a learning disability and suggested it had to be my fault my grades along with many had severely truncated from medical-surgery in the previous semester)
OB - B (although it was really fun and I learned a lot, there were only 2 exams and only 2 got an A on the first exam and no one, I repeat no one got an A on the second exam). 
Pharmacology - B (never showed up to class except for a test after the first two weeks; I got a 91/105 on the final and only studied for 3 hours because all my time went into my OB exam - plus I know my drugs, so studying was minimal)
Genetics - B (I didn't learn much as the class seemed too disorganized and answers with rationals were never posted, so I have no idea what I missed!)

My GPA has dropped to 3.15 (ewwww!).  That is the lowest it's ever been (sigh).  I am hoping things will turn around this summer for me, but I am extremely fearful as I have 17 credits!!  It is going to be intense! 

I have all but resolved myself to put running and triathlons out of my mind after this weekend.  I thought I could do it, but I am so broke and the idea of trying to train and work with my schedule is impossible.  I am going to get my few races in to make the quota for SBR, but that's it.  I can't force myself to spend money on races I am going to suck at.  I just want to train as a break from school work, not as a necessity for a race. 

I need to get my GPA back up (or at least try).  I applied for a tuition assistance program with a possible employer for my last semester at KSU.  The employer gives you $5k each semester and then every year you work for them it forgives the $5k, plus you have a job.  It may not be exactly where I want to start, but in this economy it is a job and I will take it!

I think ultimately, I am going to try and get into OB in a hospital or even a place like Plan Parenthood.  Although, I thought this would be the end of my scholarly years, I think I will continue my education after a year or two of working as an RN and going to school for my master's as a nurse practitioner or a certified nurse midwife.  I am certain if either of my parents read this they will be groaning and thinking "not another degree!"  -- But I can't help myself!  I am an addict, I guess.

Voices In My Head

They plague my life with self-doubt and "I can't". The self-doubt I feel about so many things in my life is as much a part of me as my brown hair. I have tried for years to rid myself of it, searching for a cure, but only being able to temporarily escape from it before it finds me once again.

Maybe it is because I am like my father and worry too much. Always trying to prepare for the worst, so I can avoid disappointment and devastation if it goes bad (the scenario I imagine is always much worse than the reality).

The thing is "I CAN." I don't need to doubt myself and my abilities. I need to step it up and at least pretend I am a rockstar in my own mind. I need to vaccinate myself from these doubts and kick this habit.

I read the following today and although I have heard it before, it's always nice to be reminded of our strengths, especially when our weaknesses seem to be in full bloom.

If someone says to you, "You can't run a marathon under three hours," make that your goal.

Or if someone says, "You'll never be able to finish a marathon, EVER," resolve to yourself, right then and there, that that is what you MUST DO.

Or if someone laughs and says, "You'll never finish in the top 100 in the Cherry Blossom 5K. You're not fast enough," set your sights on doing just that.

Draw your inspiration from "can't." No matter who says it, do just the opposite.

Now, it's a much trickier situation if the person who is telling you "can't" is located inside your head. Examine the voice. Who does it belong to? Your mother or father? Sister or brother? A former spouse or an old high-school teacher or coach?

Whoever it is, tell that person what you would any other. Tell him or her, "Yes, I can. You're not going to stop me, not this time. This is too important. I want to do this thing. I want to set a clear goal for myself and achieve it. I know I can, and I will. With your help or without it. Now, if you'll just shut your trap, I'm going to go for a run."

The voice in my head is definitely my own and it never shuts-up! But I am growing so accustomed to proving it wrong, to finishing what I start. When it says "slow down" or "quit" that is when I am learning to hunker down, start dropping "F" bombs and gettin it done.

One day those voices will shut the f*ck up! I will be the confident, positive person I strive to be.

Working On It

When I was in high school it seemed I had such great potential for my life. I had offers to play basketball in college and good grades to boot. It seemed almost certain I would go on to college and make something of myself. I would somehow then stumble along the right guy and voila` the "American Dream" would begin. I would know my place in this world.

I didn't and I haven't. I got my first degree in exercise physiology and really enjoyed it, but learned a job in that field would require a master's degree. Another two years was doable, but then the economy crashed and I had no experience and could only say that I graduated magna cum laude. Desperate to find a career in the science field I started my third degree in nursing. I wasn't certain this was exactly what I wanted to do, but after sixteen weeks of grueling work I really, really loved it. It seems the career thing might actually be possible in a year.

As for the "right guy," I thought I was really close ten years ago, but it went awry and hurt me pretty bad for more time than I should have let it. When I finally realized it was time to "let go" the hurt had stayed with me so long it was a part of me. I feel like I have left that part of my life behind, but any relationship I have had since then, I have pulled away from. I don't mean in the sense where I broke-up (well sometimes), but the other times I would distance myself and close my heart off (please don't ask why, because I have no idea). I have tried to buckle down and "love" someone, but I can't. It is a terrible feeling when you want to care about someone and you know they're a great person, but you can't love them. I always feel like I am alone. No one will pick me up, but me. I don't feel comfortable sharing myself with anyone (even typing this is uncomfortable). I believe in love and soul mates. I just don't believe in them for me!

So here I am more determined than ever to keep going after "my american dream." I am not certain if I will ever attain it. I have a lot to learn about myself.

Here is what I do know about myself though... I am that motherf*cker that can run 200 miles in less than a month!! I found that out yesterday. I had a little less than 12 miles to run to hit 50 miles for the week and 14 to break 200 miles for December. I had finally broken the 8-minute barrier on a training run the day before when I averaged 7:55/mile for 7.5. It wasn't easy, but I definitely, did not have to kill myself. I didn't have much hope for 12 good miles, let alone 14, but the first 4 miles with Bailey went by at 8:30/mile and I felt great. I dropped him off and started again hoping for 8 more good ones. I covered 3 more and that was when I knew I was going to go for it. I started getting excited and thought "this is mile 193 for the month, this is mile 194" and so on. When I hit my mile 12 it was like a pinball machine lighting up. I was in the "BONUS" round!! I really got excited then and I started laughing and "whoo hoo-ing" on and off. I ran my 200th mile yesterday at 7:40 pace and averaged 8:11 for my entire run. After my miserable start to running or lack thereof this year, I morphed into a runner, I never thought I could be. I was consistent and strong, but most importantly I was uninjured and proud of myself. Yahoo!!!!!

It is seems like small potatos next to my "American Dream" but keeps my determination at the forefront.

Some things just work out differently for people, but until I know otherwise, I will keep working on it.

Missing in Action

I am as usual too busy to blog so I will highlight my last 2-1/2 weeks.

And this picture has nothing to do with my update, but it is too funny not to post!

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  4th of July my dog Bailey turned 6 and he ran his first 5k ever with me. We have run together since he was a pup, but never in an official race. We managed a 3rd in AG and finished in 25:07 with 2 stops to rehydrate. I was so proud of him as we normally train at 9:00/mile and he never gave up (he did poop out with about a 200 meters to go).

• Same day my little brother is officially kicked out of the military due to the injury to his knee during a live fire drill so he will never be returning to Iraq. I can't explain what a relief it is and how it still brings me to tears to think about it.

• A terrible awful cannot explain the rauchiness of the smell came about downstairs in our laundry room about 2 weeks ago. Long story short (as I may vomit just to think about it), a nasty, filthy rat had crawled in our dryer duct and died! There was maggots and lint everywhere...eewww...ralph! Thank goodness for my roommate Twizzle who bravely cleaned it up while I stood dry heaving and holding the bag. Needless to say we replaced the duct and the stench is gone.

• Last Wednesday the walrus and I took Austin, his son to the Maple Leaf track meet to run the 50m, 100m, 200m, 400m. We also saw KP and his twins, who just like there daddy are fast. I got some great pictures and Austin managed a 2nd in the 400m at 1:40. He is only 8! I am so proud of him. We stopped at DQ on the way home to get him ice cream, but I had to get in my run, so while the boys ate ice cream I ran home for about 5 miles and got no ice cream...booo!!!

• The HIM is looming like a dark cloud. The nerves have begun to accumulate. I had a really fun brick last Sunday cycling with Daisy and MN. Started out wet, but got nice and hot just in time to run (of course). Daisy mentioned how quite a few jokes could be told starting with "A brunette, blonde and a red-head go cycling...." There was also some water fighting with rear wheels going on. We managed to stop for a bathroom break and to refuel quick a little over half way through the ride and Daisy and I managed to pack sand in our cycling shoes preventing us from clipping in for a few minutes until we conceded to pull over and bang the sh#t out of them. Picked up TZ for a few miles and rode the windiest stretch of headwind ever out near Fairport.

• Monday night the Walrus and I decided both our legs were just hammered from the week before so we went down to Wildwood to swim with B-bop (my single roommate ladies). The boys, of course wanted to swim outside the breakwall. I had originally planned on going sans wetsuit, but it was way too choppy. We donned our suits and as soon as we passed the breakwall .... it was insane! Chop coming from all directions. The walrus described it as being in a wash machine. I could see both the boys pulling ahead of me and I felt so uncomfortable I even panicked a little. I thought..."this is how people drown...isn't it?" I immediately silenced the voice in my head and began swimming after them. I was not to be stopped. If they could do it, so could I. B-bop was having a little trouble at first keeping the water out of his goggles so I caught up to him, but that only lasted until he replaced his goggles and began swimming away again. It was rough and the longer I swam the more adapted I became to the random chop,but at the same time just couldn't find a comfortable rythm. I was getting tired and working way too hard to try to close the ever widening gap on the boys. Lucky for me they would stop and wait every 50 or so meters. I felt bad and offered to cut in, but they would have none of it. I had made it this far and if I could keep swimming, they would keep waiting. Onward I went and 15 minutes later with a few stops in between we reached the end (.25 miles). Yes, it was that choppy. I told the guys I would swim back on the inside so as not to slow them up, but when I made it inside the breakwall there was trash and dead fish floating everywhere and I freaked out. I began hyperventilating and splashing around trying to get out of the water as quickly as possible. I was so grossed out I thought I might hurl. There was a guy sitting on the rocks looking at me funny. He probably thought "girl you swam through all that chop outside the wall and now you are drowning?" As I ran out of the water and explained to him how all the debris in the water was freaking me out. He laughed and said we were crazy for swimming outside the walls. He then asked if we were in the Olympics. I smiled said no and re-entered the water on the clean side. I swam easy all the way back through the smoothest water ever (or so it seemed) in 9:00 minutes. We decided to call it a day after that.

• Same night we hit up the Tavern Company and picked up other roommate, Twizzle and watched her drink (2) 16-oz chocolate milks. Now, that may mean nothing, but the second one she sucked through a cocktail straw in 52 seconds thanks to the "Walrus timing system." I do think however that had the walrus not made mention of her sucking talents and refered to the possiblity of "sucking a golf ball through a garden hose," she would have finished sooner. Her eyes got really big and she made a very strange sound in her throat before all was said and done. I was trying to scold everyone for being so immature at dinner, but we all ended up laughing. Ahh, I love Monday nights with the roommates and the walrus...good times.

• This past Tuesday after work I hit the track around midnight with the Bails. I managed a 2 mile warm-up and then 6x400 with one lap recoveries, followed by a half mile cool-down before heading home. It was nice and cool. I would have liked to have done a few more as I was feeling good and it was my first speed workout this year, but Bailey who was NOT on a leash of any kind and free to run around and explore took it upon himself to run every darned lap with me. I even put out water before the workout for him, but he is so stubborn. Tongue hanging and heavy breathing (and no I am not referring to myself) I called it a night. I wasn't sure where I needed to run but I figured in the 1:40's would be good. It was dark though and I couldn't check my watch, so I had to run by perceived exertion (P.E.) and what do ya know, I hit everyone except the first (1:51) right in the 1:40's getting a tad faster each time. I am hoping this is a sign I will be running sub-7:30's in stand alone 5k-10k now. I also saw the fallen police officer's shrine on Glenwood. It was right on Corbett's farm property. I stopped my truck for a minute to say a little prayer for the officer's family. I grew up in Twinsburg and to think some dumb motherf#cker shot him just pisses me off to no end. It wouldn't shock me if the shooter was killed before trial and that would be justice!

• Last night I was supposed to do a long ride, but the kids really wanted to see me so I opted to hit a recovery trail run with a group at North Chagrin as I was on a time crunch. I arrived early to hit a quick warm-up and confirm my legs were available for use. I did not want to embarass myself by lagging behind and making the group wait on me, not to mention the heavy hitter e-speed would be putting in an appearance. I was good to go and met up with a group of 5 and we headed out for about an hour. I managed to stay with the group and chat with e-speed for most of the way. She was "trying" to taper for the Buckeye 50k, but she made mention of how her legs just don't understand what days off are and she finds tapering is just another thing to drive you crazy the week before a race. I have to concur. We hit Squire's Castle around 50 minutes and from that point on I knew one way or another there would be a nasty climb coming. The one I am used to usually causes my heart rate to sky rocket, but we turned off and did a hill that had 4 or 5 tiers which I liked much better. E-speed and SY took off up the hill like rockets. I just pushed forward nice and easy, but the hills were steep and my breathing became labored. I was okay though. It was nothing like Devil's Hill at Mountaineer. I could hear someone coming behind me. It was one of the guys in our group. We reached the final summit pretty much together, behind e-speed and SY. We turned to see AY, SY's wife coming up the last tier too. E-speed and SY felt it proper runner etiquette to go back down and check on the remainder of the group. The 3 of us thought it proper etiquette was to wait at the top :) We regrouped and took the non-scenic route back to the park entrance for exactly one hour of running. It was great. I always hated running in groups because I always struggled. I would run as hard as I could to keep up and the group still had to wait on me. It became so frustrating I trained alone for the entire year last year. I know there were certain people in the group last night that would hand me my arse in a race anyday, but it was nice to run with them even if only for a training run.

• My career is non-existant. I graduated with honors in my undergrad. I have 3 classes left to complete my master's, again with honors and no one will hire me because I don't have 2-3 years experience and ACSM certification, which is $400+ dollars. I thought about getting a different degree, but I am tired of school. I thought about going back to the company I used to work for that wrongfully laid me off because they want me back, but none of that seems right. So here it is, I am finishing my master's, called a local hospital, explained I had a degree and some work experience in cardiac rehab and voila they gave me a job working for FREE. The plan is to get more experience, get my ACSM certification as you need 600 hours of clinical work and I have about 300 hours and then get a job anywhere. This means next summer I may be leaving my walrus and friends in search of my career. I have hinted at this, but it is time to sh$t or get off the pot.

And here I am now, sitting in the air conditioning finishing this up before starting my workout and hitting the lake and then off to work. Blah!!

PS. - I am also really disappointed, once again tour riders are testing positive for drugs, specifically my boy Ricco. DUMBASSES DRUGS ARE ILLEGAL!!!

The 5th Floor....

I woke up at 7:45am this morning after a night filled with employment nightmares. Today was my interview for my "dream job." I took a quick shower and managed to get my hair right on the first try. I put on my expensive new suit that I had desperately searched for with the help of every salesperson at the store yesterday and was out the door in less than an hour. The only incident occured when I took a step back in my new high heels and it went right through the vent in the floor. It was stuck and it took me a minute to wrench it out.

The drive was about 40 minutes and I found the building just as "so & so" had described. I headed straight to the bathroom as I was getting more nervous by the minute. I checked my make-up and did my best to gather my wits about me. Ready as I would ever be I went up to the 5th floor.

My interview was at 10:00am. It was 9:50am. I was "on-time." I have heard 10:00am was not considered on time. It was considered late. I checked in with the receptionist and took a seat. I did not wait long before a nice gentleman a few years older than myself with very bright blue eyes came out to greet me. This was "so & so". He held out a hand for me and I shook it firmly and smiled. We then began our tour of the facility. I noted the information center for patients, the fitness facility, the stress testing area and the administrative offices. I was doing well making mental notes, smiling and feeling comfortable. He was very open and friendly.

After the tour, we headed to his office for the most important part which of course is the uncomfortable part for me...the interview itself. It started with questions such as ....

"What does service mean to me?"
"Why do you want to work for us?"
"Tell me about your past experience."
"How do you feel about change?"
"What don't you like about a job?"

Okay, so far so good. I took all that in and answered as honestly as I could. I felt I did well and then the hard part really hit me. He began quizzing me on BP, glucose, cholesterol standards and I only hoped he was satisfied with my answers. He did not seem displeased with any of my answers and then he said, "I want you to take a look at the EKGs for me and tell me everything you can about them."

Oh, God. This was one of those few things in college that I had had to work at and unfortunately not being up on them or having refreshed my memory I was unable to answer them. I was so mad at myself for not reviewing them the night before. I had decided the chances he would ask me would be slim to none. Well, slim showed up. He said it was not a big deal. If you don't continually familiarize yourself with them you forget them. I knew he was trying to make me feel better. I apologized, but he said it was okay. He did inform me that it was necessary for the positon. The interview continued on for about 10 more minutes before wrapping up. He validated my parking and thanked me for coming in. I in turn shook his hand and thanked him for his time. I did ask him when a good time to follow up with him would be, but he informed me that I was the last of his first round interviews and he would be contacting those he wanted back for a second interview. It was done. I had showed him my best hand. I could only hope that he truly believed I was an intelligent and dedicated person underneath that EKG ignorance. I walked out feeling relieved I had made it through, but nervous that those other candidates may be getting "my phone call."

Hope for the Best; Prepare for the Worst

About 2 weeks ago I found this website with "my dream job" on it. The job was here, at the mistake on the lake. It had been posted 18 days and I was worried that it was no longer open and the poster had forgotten to remove the position. However; just in case hell was freezing over and pigs were flying I uploaded my resume and cover letter to the company. I received an email thanking me for my submission...my resume would be reviewed...don't call us will call you...no call in 30 days, well it is obvious...they don't want me.



Fast forward to today: I had pretty much given up any chance of getting an interview. I was already considering when I wanted to sit down and send out my resume to my 2nd, 3rd, 4th and maybe 50th choices of available jobs. I wasn't depressed, but a bit frustrated. I wanted a big person job. I was tired of waiting tables. I had spent my tens of thousands of dollars on my education. I was 30. I wanted to devote my 40 hours to something I loved and waiting on "cheap" guests was not getting it done. I need a change. Well, at exactly 1:32pm today that change came. I received a phone call from a number I did not recognize and followed my normal pattern of behavior by not answering the phone, but wondering who it could be. The voicemail beeped and I called in.



"Yes, hi Elizabeth. This is so & so calling from my "dream job" company. I received your resume and cover letter and would like to set-up a time for you to come in." Holy Moly!!! I was so excited. I could hardly breathe. I called my mom to tell her the good news. She was pumped. Geez, we were acting like I had already gotten the job :) I called the number back and chatted with so & so for 6 minutes and 2 seconds. He was very amicable and I immediately liked him. We had a really cheerful conversation and I hoped my excitement to work for him showed. I set up my interview for Friday at 10:00am. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it all day. Tomorrow I am going in search of a new "spring" suit and some snappy heels. I also want to drive to the building in the next few days so I know where I am going as to insure my timely arrival. I am even going so far as to brush up on my research of do's and do not's for an interview. Yep, I am a worrier, but I am an excited worrier.