Presents, Raffles, Prizes and Giveaways -- Get Yours!!

So far, so good.  This month has been without madness and perhaps my luck is improving!  I really like the idea of ending the year on a good note.

I have been putting in 45-50 hours/week trying to get in some OT to spend on Christmas gifts as I LOVE giving presents way more than getting them (my checking account probably doesn't agree).  I plan to really delve into the shopping world with less than a week before Christmas just to put a little pressure on -- haha!

I was fortunate enough to receive a $50 gift card from Fleet Feet and a $200 gift card to Liquid Lifestyles from teh Stan Bugarcic Memorial Fund Raiser.  I donated $100 in hopes of pushing the fundraiser line closer to the goal.  I know the money is no replacement for his loss, but perhaps it will be one less thing for the family to deal with.  MR even threw in a hoodie with the NCM logo and some gloves.  I can never thank him enough for all the support he has given me through the years and volunteering at his races has become a favorite past time of mine. 

I brought myself home a laughing hyena award that poked fun at my supposedly snapper bitten wetsuit that won me a brand spanking new one from Blue Seventy.  I am not sure what kind it is, as it's on backordered until January.  It just so happened my mom bought me a reaction for my birthday, but hey, who doesn't want 2 wetsuits? :)

And now, I am diligently entering contest through the holidays and hoping by a stroke or two lucky enough to win a brand new Garmin 910xt here: http://falkeetriathlon.blogspot.com/2012/12/win-new-in-box-garmin-910xt-gps.html.  He needs 75 entrants or no dice -- I mean Garmin.  So, go sign-up!  I'd rather see a friend of mine get it.  I mean if I don't that is ;)

I'm also doing the USATNCC to motivate myself to workout more.  It's easier said than done.  I was hoping to run 50 miles and swim 10-13.  Running is going well, but I can already tell you the swimming is a #FAIL!  I have hit the pool one time, so far --EEK!!  I entered this DecDoubleDown challenge @girlsgonesporty too and I think perhaps when it's over I am going to be renamed this girls gone portly!!  Ahhh!!

Anyway, hoping to pull out some workouts via gym rat style here for the next 2 weeks.... or more!

December -- Please Go Easy On Me!!

I was doing well for a minute there, getting a little more diligent about my blogging and then -- BAM!!  Life happened.

This fall has been a little hard on me (to say the least).  In August, I was hit by a car while riding my 2 month old brand spankin' new tri bike.  Then in October I finally had the breast reduction I had wanted for about 20 years and with the arrival of  Novemver, I had planned to head back to work in time for the holidays and put in some OT but unfortunately, my grandfather became ill and passed away. 

Needless to say it has been hectic and now --- THE HOLIDAYS!  I am taking each day in stride just trying to find a balance between work and starting to train, again.  It's never easy and now seems even more difficult due to the fact my fatigue level has been worse than normal.  I had my annual check-up and my red blood cells and hematocrit came back low with my hemoglobin right on the lowest point of normal.  I assumed it was because I had surgery and RBCs take about 53 days to replenish themselves, but then I saw my TSH levels and those were moderately elevated, so that is the next saga for me.  Hopefully, it will literally just mean a "magic pill" and no side effects.

To be continued....

Cracked - A Fit Club Intervention

Time has been ticking and over the past 3 months my foot has not improved as I had hoped.  I've drown my sorrows in food, fun, work, alcohol, vacationing you name it and it works for awhile....

But then I see myself in the mirror and I feel every lazy pound I have packed on because of my sedentary life style and my couch potato ways.  I am my lightest when I race a marathon at 126-128 pounds, but I have let it creep up to 138!!  I haven't weighed that much since before my anemia was diagnosed.  I have developed terrible eating habits i.e. eat everything in sight and the amount of alcohol I have put away in comparison to the past has increased (Call me a wannabe alchy if you will) beyond what I feel comfortable with. 

Switching to nights permanently has definitely helped.  Even on my off days I stay up all night until about 9-10 am.  I have even attempted two 5 mile runs this week at an albeit very conservative pace.  The foot doesn't scream FIRE, but it does hurt and there is absolutely no way in heck I can start training with it like this.

So, I finally cracked and went to the Twinsburg Fitness Center and got a membership.  It seemed so stupid at first, I mean I work downtown at the main campus of CCF and we have not one, but two gyms available.  However, the idea of working a 12+ hr day with nearly 2 hours of additional driving makes working out a dream.  The spin classess never seem to correlate with my schedule and I am not going to drive 50+ miles to go to the gym and back, hence my TFC membership. 

I ran last night at 1:00 am and at 5:30 am packed up my gear and headed to the gym for my new membership.  Luck was on my side and because I am a Reminderville resident and I work for CCF (get this) it's $22/month -- that's it!!  That was cheaper than my JCC membership -- SCORE!

I changed my clothes quickly and hit the 6:00 am spin.  TY was leading the class and gave me the run down about the class as I warmed up.  The workout was great.  I was practically sweating like this chick (I'll take it -- she's fast)!  Everything was based on cadence and quarter turns and I pushed myself pretty hard.  I am sure my ass is gonna be sore after I finally get some sleep.  His music also matched the paces (lots of Green Day, All American Rejects and Linkin' Park -- and I love them all!).  I felt very weak and out of shape.  TY talked to me after the class inviting me on an outdoor ride that would be starting when the weather finally broke and stating that if I came to his class I would get stronger -- I sure hope so.  I am a little disappointed with how soft I have become (literally).  Hell I didn't even like taking off my shorts to snorkel in my bikini bottom in Hawaii' my ass had (still has) so much cottage cheese, but hopefully I can tighten this sh*t up and lock it down. 

** Just a side note: My weight has rocked from 113-145 pounds since I was 21.  I know how I look and how I feel.  I hate that a woman's weight is like a white elephant in the room, that no one can talk about.  I am not a small girl for cripes sake.  I am 5'7" and I like to eat -- a lot, but there is no reason why I have to hide my additional smooshiness from anybody or lack-therof. The thing is -- we all get older, we all age, we all have our own demons to battle.

On Deck

It's been nearly 3 months now since running went on the back burner due to my foot, oh hell, what am I saying it completely fell off the stove.

Anyway, I got my orthotics 2 days ago and I am back on nights, so we shall see how it goes.  The doctor said to break them in slow and apparently his definition and mine are different.  I thought I would wear them at work every other day, but nope he recomends starting with 30 minutes and working my way up to a few hours!  At that rate, I wont be running until 2013, sheesh!!  I am gonna play it by ear, errr, I mean foot and see how it goes.  No races planned, but hopefully by fall I will have at least a half marathon on deck.

Less than a week until Hawaii and I am so looking forward to the sun and sand.  I need a little re-juvenation after my intermittent bouts of UPTO.  I have never been sick like this (cold in Nov, pink eye in January and now the stomach flu).  My personal goal was for work on my individual development plan was to become healthier and of course with any goal it must be measureable so decreased sick days and weight loss is the way I am going. 

In the meantime, I am gonna keep counting the days until me and A-train leave this thankfully mild winter behind for a bit and keep breaking these orthotics in.

Great Distractions

Life has been no less than pretty great since the holidays ended. I find my plate overloaded with tasty treats in 2012, but something is missing.

Work has been extremely busy as usual and overtime is inevitable for me.  The only way I seem to be able to avoid it is by making plans, so I can't stay or refusing to pick-up my cell phone on my days off, which I am working on.  I have made a decision to move to straight nights too.  The thought had been brewing for months now and after weighing all the pros and cons I think it will be worth it in the long run.  Some of the advantages included no more rotating shifts and getting on a regular sleep schedule.  Parking will be cheaper per month and I will make an more money. 

 I found myself purchasing a new vehicle.  A-train thinks it looks like a booger on wheels and I have to keep re-educating him that mucous is white to yellow and only green when infection is present, but alas I think it's a losing battle with him.  He's just gonna keep referring to my car as such.

My employer offered us FREE nose bleed seats to any Lake Erie Monster's game and A-train and I sat through three exciting periods of hockey.  The goalie that night (Gerald Coleman) was freakin' amazing only allowing 1 goal on about 30 shots.  Gloves and helmets even came off for a few brawls on the ice!!  Lately, when I go to watch the CAVS or Indians we have lost, but I finally broke my losing streak as the Monsters took the win 3-1. 

Before the game we needed to eat dinner and I decide I would keep it a secret from A-train that we were going to hit up The Chocolate Bar!!!  We each had a very tasty martini.  I got the chocolate banana creme and he got the boring plain old chocolate martini.  Mine was WAY better.  A-train picked brie with chutney for an appetizer.  Funny thing is he had never had chutney and wasn't sure what it was until I told him.  When it arrived he had absolutely no qualms about eating most of it.  The main course included pesto salmon for me and a buffalo chicken sandwhich with fresh kettle cooked chips for him. Overall the food was pretty good and the price was reasonable, except for the $10 martinis, but that's what we expected.



After what seemed like forever, we had an official GNO at BB's house. It was perfect with the exception of a damn snowstorm that hit that night, so the roads on the way home were less than ideal for driving on. MK also left her hazards on and drained her battery, but thankfully e-speed and I knew how to jump a car, so she was back in business after we borrowed BB's jumber cables. 

I did manage to get my hands on this stuff too while I was there ....

Barrel-Aged Blackout Stout

Blackout Stout aged in oak bourbon barrels.

ABV: 9.5%

ABW: 7.6%

IBU: 50

Awards

• Gold Medal, 2011 World Beer Championships

 

And let me tell you -- it's pretty dam good!

On the horizon first and foremost is my vacation to Kauai!!  It's only 19 days away and I can't wait.  I am finally going to see the ocean up close and personal.  Only 10% of the island has roads and offers quite a few places to hike.  I plan to attempt surfing and scuba diving (or at least snorkeling), horseback riding and we are going to be there for Waimea Town Celebration. 

And although, things are different in a great way, deep down I carry with me a little bit of sadness and a lot of yearning that I still can't run the miles I so badly want to.  My foot has reached an impasse.  It's no better or no worse.  I'm still waiting for them to complete my orthotics and sneaking in 3-4 miles once or twice a week just to hear the ground crunching under my feet and my heartbeat pumping hard as I trot along.  I guess there just are no substitutions for true loves.

My 12 Months of 2011

This year was filled with ups and downs, dare I say it though... I think I came out on top!

January - Spent weeks prepping for the hardest test of my life (thus far) and quit waiting tables at Longhorn!  Yes!!!!

February - Took the hardest test of my life (thus far) and PASSED!  Yes!!!!

March - Started my job as an RN in oncology at one of the most renowned hospitals in the country!  Yes!!!

April - Finally got to run the Boston marathon after having to skip it a couple years in row!  Yes!!!

May - Put up a 10k (soft) PR -- one of the few I got this year!  Yes!!!!

June - Race my first of only two triathlons this year and managed to incorporate a surprise birthday party for A-train into it.

July -  Somehow managed to PR in the Fairport sprint tri on minimal training (swimming in races only) and feeling like a hippo in spandex (that's a boooo!!) Yes for the PR!!!!

August - Finally got my Eleanor and ran the Twilight Trail race without completely blowing up and destroying myself!  Yes!!!

September - Finally, got the whole family to run a race together, even if G-unit cheated and then DNF'd ;o)  Ran the Akron Relay with 3 Freaky Fast Females and came in 3rd female team overall.  Yes!!!

October - Hitting up Columbus with the best gal pals EVER (including two of the Freaky Fast Females) to run the half marathon and party!  Yes!!!!

Novemenber - Traveled to Chicago with KM and the decimator to eat way too much chocolate fondue after racing my first 15k ever, which led to my only other PR this year!  I also completed marathon number 6 -- didn't go very well, but I did it nonetheless.  Yes!!!!

December - Tried to do my own little version of a "shopaholic" and bought lots of gifts for myself and the family.  My checkbook may have been fatally wounded after after those final weeks in 2011!!  It was awesome buying my family some "big" gifts after being so poor through my 3 degrees.  Yes!!!

Looking ahead to 2012, I've got a lot of possibilities on the horizon in all aspects of my life (professionally and personally), starting with getting my orthotics so I can run again and finding a place to live all my own.
And that's a wrap.

What the ...Week!!!

Dang!  Where did it go?  I don't go to work.  I don't have kids and yet my week is gone! 

Last Saturday, we celebrated my niece's 1st birthday and I cooked.  I never cook.  I don't make things.  I can't draw, knit, sculpt nothing.  It took me two weeks to prepare, with one day of prepping and one day of cooking, but when all was said and done I managaed to make two pan's of cheesy potato casserole (one without onions for my brother and sister-in-law) and 3lbs. worth of mussels in garlic and beer.  I was extremely gluttonous and only slightly guilty.  The food was a hit with no leftovers to be had.  I made sure to get my niece two loud toys so her parents wouldn't forget her and she completely inspired me to get my own "smash" cake for whatever thrity-something birthday I have coming up in September. 

Sunday, A broached the idea of selling my road bike.  I had been kicking the idea around for the last year and a half, but being the type of person that has an emotional attachment to certain objects in my life I had not seriously done anything about it.  A convinced me it would go to a good home and I could get a decent price and within four hours it was cleaned-up, test ridden and sold!  Gone was my trusty red and black Trek 1200 that had carried me over thousands of miles, that had taken me 50+ mph once down a hill out by River Road and had only ever flatted on me one time in three years.  It went to a good home and I hoped it's new rider would enjoy it as much as I had.  The upside to all this was it got me a few bucks to get through these unemployed weeks until the dough starts rolling in from my new job. 

Monday with all the crappy weather I was dreading the drive to South Pointe for my phsycial and physical capabilites test only to discover the power was out in some areas of the buildings and only half of my appointments would be completed.  I was a little bummed.  It had to be the physical capabilities test that would require me maxing out all 4 of my appendages in less than 45 minutes.  I was told I would have to come back Tuesday following the same protocols, eat well, sleep well and avoid strenuous activity.  This was messing up my running and boot camp.  I peed in a cup in a pitch black bathroom, managing to avoid peeing on my hand and sacrificed three tubes worth of blood.  I only ran 7 miles after and opted to skip boot camp once the weather became sketchy around 3pm.

Tuesday I traveled down to the main campus to turn in my new hire paperwork, get my ID badge and parking assignment.  I originally was assigned the same parking deck as when I precepted down there, but switched to a surface lot to save $15 a month on parking, so now they only dock my paycheck $45/month (GEEZ, no wonder I make what I make -- they are gonna take most of it back in gas and parking!!).  It was really quick and I went directly back to South Pointe thinking maybe I could get in an hour early, but no such luck.  They checked me in and left me sitting in the lobby for an hour.  My appointment was at 2:30pm.  They called me back at 2:40pm.  The max test required I be strapped into a seat tighter than the Dragster at Cedar Point.  The straps criss-crossed my chest and after writhing, left and right, pretty much foaming at the mouth and grunting like a pissed off wild hog I had two thoughts. 

1. If I had breast implants and did this test I bet I would have popped one if not both it was so tight
2. My shoulders were gonna be wrecked for days (I had hickey looking marks on both traps and they are still sore 3 days later).

The test was new as of this year and to fail would result in my job offer being rescinded.  It was supposedly being used as an indicator for worker's comp and injuries, but it seemed flawed to me.  How does my max strength determine if I know how to lift appropriately?  Needless to say, it sounded like I had put the best numbers up at their facility by a female thus far when the administrator stated "Wow!  I think these are the highest I have seen so far.  She's set the bar for the girls."  I left sore but happy knowing if I didn't pass that test nobody would. 

Wednesday I ran down by my old high school and silently cursed all the high school drivers going by on their phones.  Damn kids!!!  And then it occurred to me -- I had been out of high school for 15 years (that was an unpleasant thought).  I looped back down the all-purpose path and back home for an exhilirating 12 miler.  Thinking back and looking outside now, I debate banging my head on the wall for not just making that my long run day as the weather was perfect for me and today is...well, less than ideal.  Boot camp that night was rough.  I had a really hard time doing anything that required my shoulders.  I looked forward to the deadlift station, for once. 

Thursday, I had set-up a reunion at Ray's for my classmates.  I figured about 10 people were coming as I had not received that many unofficial RSVP's, but a little after 4:00 pm, person after person trickled in.  It was amazing!  The majority of my class and even one of my teacher's had made it out.  I had meant to be home by 7:00 pm, but with so many great stories and an unending amount of ridiculous jokes and laughs it took me until 7:30 pm to muster the will power to say good-bye to them and head home. 

Now, today I have spent a large amount of the day re-hashing the wonderful week I had and posting pics and thank-you's, watching some old show called "Moonlight" on the SyFy channel and periodically looking out the window to see if I am ready to brave the snow for my run.  I will probably just hit the treadmill and keep watching TV before I possibly venture out to Bike Authority to spend time with another group of amazing people that have shared their friendship with me over the years. 

The Initiative

I had to backoff the blogging for a minute there, because I have found additional things to occupy all this free time I have so excitedly stumbled upon.  I also discovered I am not alone in my "what to do? what to do?" state.  Many of my classmates who have passed the boards are now searching for projects.  I spent over a year of my life living a fire drill, trying not to panic and get everything done and study enough (I realized I could never study enough) to arrive at this...

The ability to wake-up, stretch and just breathe.  I then plan out my day however I see fit for the most part.  If I wanna run, run, if I wanna watch TV I can do it, drink coffee and hang out on FB for half the morining, well go right ahead.  I even get to bed between 10pm and 11pm most nights and rise between 7am and 8:30am most days.  Never had a regular sleep schedule before, wasn't even sure if I could do it.  This nearly stress free zone I have been living in is fantastic and I know completely and whole heartedly that I earned it! 

It's only been a little over a week and I find myself excited for the next adventure!  Work starts on the 7th of March, and I have been going over new hire paperwork and scheduling appointments for exams and check-ups.  I have also started reading books again -- for fun!  No more text books addressing lab values and abnormalities of the human body.

I even started a private group on facebook for me and my classmates to share our knowledge about new nursing information, such as SB5 and collective bargaining (and to plan reunions, of course).  I have also reached out to a former professor of mine at school and have been mapping out some professional meetings and lunchs with some "superstars" in my profession.  I don't want to say too much yet, until it's set in stone, but there are about 3 million nurses in the US, however only about 20%  of them belong to a professional organization and are proponents of active nurse advocacy.  It is my hope to help that number increase in my own small and special way.  My last semester I made a promise to myself.  I wouldn't be that nurse that punched a clock and went home.  I would be professionally vested in my career, supportive of my colleagues and job, taking initiative to improve nursing care and patient outcomes. 

This is a really "BIG" step for me and I worry a bit I may have bitten off more than I can chew, but hey I wanna die trying..so I say "bring it on!!!" 

Prowess

By definition means exceptional valor, bravery, or ability, especially in combat or battle or exceptional or superior ability, skill or strength

Oh, the answer to the multiple, multiple is b, e & f and here is the rationale:

Hydrochlorothizaide is a thiazide diuretic used in the managment of mild to moderate hypertension, and in the treatment of edema associated with: heart failure, renal dysfunction, cirrhosis, corticosteroid therapy, and estrogen therapy.  It increases th excretion of socium and water by inhibiting  sodium reabsorption in the distal tubule of the kidneys.  It promotes the excretion of chloride, potassium, magnesium, and bicarbonate.  Side effects include: drowsiness, lethargy, and muscle weakness, but not muscle twitching.  Although there may be abdominal cramping, there is not diarrhea.  the client does not become confused as a result of taking this drug. 

Anyway, regarding running, it's been my soup for the soul!  I haven't felt this much peace of mind with myself and my body for as long as I can remember.  Sure, I still have my concerns and worrying is like breathing for me -- can't live without eiter, but man do I feel calm and relaxed deep down in my soul. 

Last week was really good to me.  Lots of strength training between boot camp and shoveling and I was on target to hit 50 miles running for the week for the first time since, oh I think last April (makes me wish I was a professional athlete sometimes).  It's been so amazing as the miles just keep on clicking by one by one.  Most of the runs I have just been enjoying myself, but on a few I have had delusions where I am not Kara Goucher or Paula Radcliffe, I am someone way faster, someone who can break records and keep going -- on those days I am a superhero version of ... me!!  I am the greastest runner out there (I didn't get to play Barbie and house that much as a kid and I never had an imaginary friend, so I think maybe I am making up for it now).

Monday, I managed a speedworkout of 3x1 mile on the treadmill at 7:24/mile and then Thursday I ripped off a 4 mile tempo run on the treadmill at a pace of 8:06/mile.  The treadmill is not my choice for running on, as 10:00 minute miles feel like 8:30 pace, but lately I have been ready to see how hard I can push myself to mentally focus.  Both workouts, were difficult as I hate the montony of staring at the wall, but it's helping me build the focus and mental prowess I will need for the last few miles of the marathon. 

I mean the marathon is a battle, cancer is a battle, sometimes even life is a battle.

Bleeding Hearts

Boy did I hit a nerve today at clinicals. 

It is inevitable that working in the healthcare field is going to bring up the problem of healthcare reform.  While I usually try to play devil's advocate or take an opposing side just for the sake of argument, today it happened because I can't stand the sympathetic, pity party for sooooooo  many who don't deserve it. 

It seems the majority of my classmates believe that ALL people in the United States should get equal healthcare.  I don't quite feel that way.  I believe that since healthcare is tied to income, those who have jobs and pay for it should be allotted healthcare and those who are unemployed, having unprotected sex and having unplanned pregnancies are shit out of luck.  I am a firm believer in Darwinism.  If it comes down to providing food clothing and money for my kid or giving it to someone else's kid because they can't too freakin' bad.  If all these bleeding hearts want to adopt a person without healthcare or a family fine, but don't force me to follow the rules, pay for my healthcare and then charge me money for those who don't. 

I would be all for healthcare for all people if it wasn't a "throw money at the problem" solution.  I believe education, health promotion and disease prevention are key, but not an allowance. (hence my decision to work in the field of nursing -- perhaps I will move to Oregon and do assisted suicide --LOL) 

I see healthcare as a priviledge, not a right.  Why should a smoker or a person that goes to McDonald's everyday and makes poor food choices be given the same healthcare as me?  Both are risk factors for higher inicidences of many diseases.  Why should some homeless bum who spends her life doing drugs and drinking receive healthcare when she gets pregnant?  It is her mistake hence, her problem!  Abortion is a couple hundred bucks.  I would much rather give her the money for the abortion, than pay for her and her kid.  Lets face it, the kid will probably not be that special one that does anything with his or her life anyway (Birds of a Feather...).  And don't give me that "the Lord wanted me to have a baby" garbage, because I didn't get the message from Him that said I had to pay for it!!  Survival of the fittest, if you can't protect yourself and your young...SEE YOU! 

If two kids were dying and both needed a heart transplant, but there was only one heart and you paid into the healthcare system for you and your child all your life and some ghetto-ass, drug addicted mom brought in her baby for the same heart, do you really think that is fair?  I know it's not the child's fault but I refuse to allow the government to make me responsible for a mistake (having unprotected sex), that was followed by another mistake (having the baby) because these people don't believe in birth control or abortion. 

Our society is irresponsible and indulgent.  Americans, can't control money, can't control their diet and they can't control their sexual urges it seems.  We need to teach people discipline, refrain and control while educating them and empowering them to take responsibility for their lives and the lives of their children, not say "oh, it's okay, somebody out there worked really hard and can throw money at the problem for you!  Don't worry, you can continue to be a total fucking loser and never be held accountable.  It's not your fault." 
(I know there are a exceptions to the rule and some people who lose their jobs and are trying.  A system that helps them would be awesome to be in place, but these other people = Be Gone!

Cardiac rehab showed me the unwillingness of so many to change their diet (high fat, high salt, obesity) and lifestyle habits (stress, smoking, inactivity).  I work with a bunch of single moms who worry more about where they are going out after work ends then getting home to their kids.  They all know better, but they don't care and I am suppose to care?

Give me a fucking break!!  Take some responsibility!! Grow up!! 

Our healthcare system is the Titanic. We are sinking and we do not have enough life boats. We are not all gonna make it.

Lost

It's the running theme in my life the last few weeks.  All the work along with the bumper schedule I am on is constantly pressuring what few brain cells I have left to keep me in line as to the when and where of each day.

I can't remember if I am coming or going as I only sleep about 4 hours at a time and when I wake up I am not certain if it is to rise for class, clinical or work.  Just a week ago I drove a few extra miles in the wrong direction to the wrong clinical before realizing what day it was.  I have also locked my keys in the car twice in the last 3 weeks (thank goodness for the hide-a-key).  Not a day goes by that I don't wish for June 25th to get here, so I can be done with this awful schedule.  It is so non-compliant with my life, not to mention with my parents away for two weeks I worry that "The Bails" will be home just a bit too long and try to eat a hole through the wall like he once did as a puppy to punish me for being an absentee owner!  I try to make it up to him by taking him running with me, but training is sporadic at best.

I did get out for a nice bike ride two weeks ago when it was in the 90's.  I meant to go to a family picnic, but had my days wrong and I went to the wrong park.  On my way back I went a new route and got lost for a bit, so with only one water bottle I had to detour to a park to find more fluid before going home.  My lack of seat time reared it's ugly "head" or is it "ass" in this case when my not-so crotch of steal started to become painfully sore after an hour and a half.  Luckily, it was only thrity minutes home. 

I had another midterm this Monday, but felt extremely rebellious as racing season is in full swing and decided after only a few hours of studying on Sunday to go for another bike ride.  Again, I got lost and my hopes of riding about 35-40 miles translated into 49.  I ended up in Mantua riding the Potato Stomp course and then some.  It was the perfect day for a ride and I loved every minute of it, even the minutes after my butt time buzzer for comfort had expired. 

I didn't learn much gerontology that day, but I did learn a long painful ride is still better than any type of studying (especially in the summer!).  Oh, to find my way back to a schedule that is either days or nights with no bumper shift will be glorious.

Just Around the Corner

This semester, I have 6 weeks of community nursing and gerontology for rehab and it is intense.  I finally broke down and bought some Unisom to help me sleep and it's working, but the problem now is it is lingering and I am exhausted 24/7.  I fell asleep at the my gerontology clincial watching a video on dementia and alzheimers the first day and have been napping in my car on my lunch breaks.  I am so over the top intense and stressed all the time through nursing school I don't know what to do, except keep going until December when it's over.  If I take the pills I am tired.  If I don't take them I am tired.  If I quit the program, well that is not an option.  It is worse than it's ever been.  I have 35.5 hours of clinical and class time, combined with 12-15 hours of work and 14 hours of drive time, putting me at 60+  hours not counting all the time I need for projects and studying for tests. 

I feel tightness in my chest and my throat all the time. I don't feel like I am learning the material because it is so fast and I am just guessing at everything I do in class.  I am not doing anything I don't already know how to do at clinicals.  I am just killing time.  I am completing my degree to be an RN, not an LPN or an aide, yet at my gero clinical I spend my time bathing my patient, teaching her how to wipe herself correctly and washing her hair, because that is what my patient needs the most. 

I can't stand the smell of old people, but the thing is old people only smell because the people that are supposed to be taking care of them are doing a half ass job!!  Old people get fucked up feet to if you don't apply lotion and wash them appropriately they smell!  I don't want to change bedpans or wipe asses, but I absolutely refuse to have a stinky patient.  Needless to say, it seems healthcare professionals get lazy or burnt out and become a little calloused to caring for patients and when I gave my patient a foot bath and massage she ended up crying and telling me no one cares enough to do that for her and she was glad someone still did.  I left the room and told my instructor I couldn't deal with that and needed this rotation over.  She was proud of me, but I just felt sick.  I vowed that day I would take time off work to care for a family member before I let some half-ass healthcare people do it.  I guess what I am saying is there are shitty people working everywhere.  It's not the first rotation where I saw a lazy healthcare worker.

Community is overwhelming with the amount of paperwork.  I have a midterm on Tuesday and haven't studied yet, because I had to prepare for a population teaching project.  ML and I were told we had to each do an hour presentation on puberty to about a hundred 4th graders.  The words "oh shit!!" were flashing through my mind.  I hated going through puberty.  I hate my breasts.  I hate menstruating.  I hate having to shave.  I hate not being 50 lbs and being able to do an unlimited amount of pull-ups.  How am I suppose to explain to all these girls that becoming a woman isn't too bad?  Oh, and not cover the topic of sex, fertilization, STDs or pregnancy?  We were told the kids were too young and to tell them to defer to their parents with questions in those areas.

I am not a presenter.  I get nervous and shaky.  I would rather write a 50 page report.  We over prepped with our outline, transparencies of female anatomy, a powerpoint with topics to cover and I re-read all the basics of puberty just to make sure I hadn't miss anything in my three degrees.  It was definitely overkill, but I was armed.  I started off by asking the girls if they knew what puberty was.  I got some really strange answers like "red" and "hair" and "your hands and feet get bigger."  All of them were in a sense right, but they were avoiding the BIG answers, so I said "Come on guys.  What's the difference between you and me?" To which I got the response "you're old!" WTF!!!!  Ahhh, I should have known that would happen.  It did lead into breasts and growth eventually, but damn really, old? 

I introduced a video called "Just Around the Corner" which covered the growth changes, menstruation, ovulation and the importance of good hygeine.  I had two choices when the video was over.  I could re-lecture on the topics or I could do a more interactive Q & A.  I wanted to do the Q & A because the girls were nervous and had not been excited about this lecture today.  My outline had my objectives for my instructor to grade me on such as know the definition of puberty, identify the changes, understand the process of menstruation, understand what things good hygeine involves etc... But I had my own underlying objects to make the girls more comfortable with what was to come so they would make the best choices or at least be able to identify a trusted adult in their lives they could go to in the future for questions.  The only problem was if I did the Q & A I might lose control of the group, or miss covering an objective both which would lower my presentation grade.  I ended up choosing the Q & A.  I couldn't give the talk based on my grade.  I want to be a nurse.  I want to help people, even if my grades suck.  The girls started off asking about tampons.  I was told to cover pads and pass some around but to avoid tampons, because of toxic shock syndrome and that they had to discuss that with their parents.  I tried but their were too many questions...

"How do you know you put it in the right hole?"
"What if it goes to far in and gets lost?"
"How do you get it out?"
"Can you feel it and does it hurt?"

I finally gave in and pulled out a transparency of the female anatomy and explained how a tampon works.  They were way too curious to not cover the topic.  We had a few good laughs and I got more and more questions.  I would see 5 hands up and answer 1 and then 4 more would go up.  It was crazy.  I had won them group over and they were interested in my lecture!!  I had to defer a few questions regarding sex to the parents, but for the most part I was able to explain a lot and I concluded the conversation by explaining it was okay not to be embarassed and no one should make fun of someone regarding puberty.  When I was done I asked "how many of you feel much better now about puberty than you did when we started this?"  Every single hand went up!!!!  It was a victory.  I had done it.  I was super nervous and a hot mess by the end, but my instructor said I was getting no less than a  98%.   YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Perhaps, I would survive this semester afterall.  Four more weeks is just around the corner.

Voices In My Head

They plague my life with self-doubt and "I can't". The self-doubt I feel about so many things in my life is as much a part of me as my brown hair. I have tried for years to rid myself of it, searching for a cure, but only being able to temporarily escape from it before it finds me once again.

Maybe it is because I am like my father and worry too much. Always trying to prepare for the worst, so I can avoid disappointment and devastation if it goes bad (the scenario I imagine is always much worse than the reality).

The thing is "I CAN." I don't need to doubt myself and my abilities. I need to step it up and at least pretend I am a rockstar in my own mind. I need to vaccinate myself from these doubts and kick this habit.

I read the following today and although I have heard it before, it's always nice to be reminded of our strengths, especially when our weaknesses seem to be in full bloom.

If someone says to you, "You can't run a marathon under three hours," make that your goal.

Or if someone says, "You'll never be able to finish a marathon, EVER," resolve to yourself, right then and there, that that is what you MUST DO.

Or if someone laughs and says, "You'll never finish in the top 100 in the Cherry Blossom 5K. You're not fast enough," set your sights on doing just that.

Draw your inspiration from "can't." No matter who says it, do just the opposite.

Now, it's a much trickier situation if the person who is telling you "can't" is located inside your head. Examine the voice. Who does it belong to? Your mother or father? Sister or brother? A former spouse or an old high-school teacher or coach?

Whoever it is, tell that person what you would any other. Tell him or her, "Yes, I can. You're not going to stop me, not this time. This is too important. I want to do this thing. I want to set a clear goal for myself and achieve it. I know I can, and I will. With your help or without it. Now, if you'll just shut your trap, I'm going to go for a run."

The voice in my head is definitely my own and it never shuts-up! But I am growing so accustomed to proving it wrong, to finishing what I start. When it says "slow down" or "quit" that is when I am learning to hunker down, start dropping "F" bombs and gettin it done.

One day those voices will shut the f*ck up! I will be the confident, positive person I strive to be.

Working On It

When I was in high school it seemed I had such great potential for my life. I had offers to play basketball in college and good grades to boot. It seemed almost certain I would go on to college and make something of myself. I would somehow then stumble along the right guy and voila` the "American Dream" would begin. I would know my place in this world.

I didn't and I haven't. I got my first degree in exercise physiology and really enjoyed it, but learned a job in that field would require a master's degree. Another two years was doable, but then the economy crashed and I had no experience and could only say that I graduated magna cum laude. Desperate to find a career in the science field I started my third degree in nursing. I wasn't certain this was exactly what I wanted to do, but after sixteen weeks of grueling work I really, really loved it. It seems the career thing might actually be possible in a year.

As for the "right guy," I thought I was really close ten years ago, but it went awry and hurt me pretty bad for more time than I should have let it. When I finally realized it was time to "let go" the hurt had stayed with me so long it was a part of me. I feel like I have left that part of my life behind, but any relationship I have had since then, I have pulled away from. I don't mean in the sense where I broke-up (well sometimes), but the other times I would distance myself and close my heart off (please don't ask why, because I have no idea). I have tried to buckle down and "love" someone, but I can't. It is a terrible feeling when you want to care about someone and you know they're a great person, but you can't love them. I always feel like I am alone. No one will pick me up, but me. I don't feel comfortable sharing myself with anyone (even typing this is uncomfortable). I believe in love and soul mates. I just don't believe in them for me!

So here I am more determined than ever to keep going after "my american dream." I am not certain if I will ever attain it. I have a lot to learn about myself.

Here is what I do know about myself though... I am that motherf*cker that can run 200 miles in less than a month!! I found that out yesterday. I had a little less than 12 miles to run to hit 50 miles for the week and 14 to break 200 miles for December. I had finally broken the 8-minute barrier on a training run the day before when I averaged 7:55/mile for 7.5. It wasn't easy, but I definitely, did not have to kill myself. I didn't have much hope for 12 good miles, let alone 14, but the first 4 miles with Bailey went by at 8:30/mile and I felt great. I dropped him off and started again hoping for 8 more good ones. I covered 3 more and that was when I knew I was going to go for it. I started getting excited and thought "this is mile 193 for the month, this is mile 194" and so on. When I hit my mile 12 it was like a pinball machine lighting up. I was in the "BONUS" round!! I really got excited then and I started laughing and "whoo hoo-ing" on and off. I ran my 200th mile yesterday at 7:40 pace and averaged 8:11 for my entire run. After my miserable start to running or lack thereof this year, I morphed into a runner, I never thought I could be. I was consistent and strong, but most importantly I was uninjured and proud of myself. Yahoo!!!!!

It is seems like small potatos next to my "American Dream" but keeps my determination at the forefront.

Some things just work out differently for people, but until I know otherwise, I will keep working on it.

Deadlines

I was really excited to take one month off from TCON (The College of Nursing), but they found me yesterday, emailing me that I needed to have a federal background check into Akron Children's by Friday...hahaha, go "F" yourself. It just isn't going to happen the week of Christmas. Escape is apparently impossible.

As, for the USAT National Club Challenge. I am really going to miss the swim miles for the month. It was too hard to get to the pool during school and now I have no vehicle...bugger!! It really doesn't matter anyway, I guess. I emailed my mileage almost two weeks ago and it is not updated. One commitment off my back.

In other news, I have been zooming and zooming around for a few months now, racking up all the miles I missed in the beginnning of the year. I managaed to crack the 50 mpw in November and got really, really close to 200 miles in October, so this month I got it in my head that I HAD to break 200 miles for month. Right now, I am sitting pretty at a little over 150 miles. I have never done this before and my legs are feeling pretty tired, no matter how many days I rest. My "comfortable" pace is hanging between 8:20-8:40/mile. I did notice however, that it used to take me 3-4 miles to warm-up, but now it is taking me nearly 6!! I even dropped an 18-miler in at 8:30/mile 2 weeks ago. I was shell shocked! I didn't run faster than 8:55/mile when I was doing my long runs for the Philadelphia Marathon. I feel like I am a superhero! I mean really, how many turtles can run as fast as this turtle?

Oh man, is Christmas really only two days away? I haven't done any shopping. Sometimes, I really think these holidays are more stressful than they are about love and family and a that mushy stuff, course I don't like stress or mushy stuff. Cripes!! I really wish Santa did stop at our house.

Good News 1, Good News 2, Good News 3

I have once again fallen off the blogging wagon, but it was all for 3 good reason.

Good News 1
My family traveled home 2 weeks ago and after months of motivating emails from me and mostly AD four teams of six relay runners completed the Pine Line Marathon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YAHOO!!!!!

It was the first time in many many years we were all together. We shared an awesome, awesome experience. We only needed to make one substitution from the original roster and everyone completed their leg. I could not have been more excited for my family and as an added bonus we raised over $2000 for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society (more details to come...I swear).

Good News 2
But I have to move on as time is limited this weekend and I have to finish up the last few pages of my 25+ field experience report because................ that's right, I am done with school AGAIN. I finished my master's degree. Today is commencement and while I am happy to be done I will miss my friends and teachers as we are a really close department. It's obvious that I am typing so I am not at commencement ceremonies. I just didn't care to spend the money on a cap and gown or waste 6 hours of my life wishing I was out running or eating. I don't have a job either. Two degrees, the economy sucks and tons of debt...aahhhh....priceless.

Good News 3
Finally, after months of mishaps the doctors have given me clearance to run again. This will be the end of my third solid week back at running. I am definitely slower, but still faster than when I had my anemia (still amazes me how one little white pill can have that much of an effect). I am however; are you ready for this? 10 lbs up from my race weight!! I know some of it could be muscle (1-2 lbs.) from all the physcial therapy, but lets face it my ass does not have that much muscle!! It's fat, so now as the training volume and intensity increase I am dedicated to whittling my ass off!!!

Oh, and here is a new local running site Cleveland Plays Racing. It looks promising and I believe KP, the woman in charge of the Twilight 8k run (which is a great race) runs this too.

Good luck to all my SERC peeps and anyone else running Cleveland next weekend!! Krazy nutz, I know most of you just did Boston!!!

Never met him, but I miss him

I originally started this blog for my own personal reference regarding mostly racing and training, and kept it hidden (not purposefully), for about a year from other readers. However I know some of you have discovered my blog and check in every once in a while...THANK YOU.

So if you are checking today...

Below is a link to Randy Pausch who I discovered about a year ago. He completely inspired me and motivated me to live my life to "my best" with 1 lecture. Please take the time to click on this link and watch. He died this past Friday at his home in West Virginia and will be soarly missed. I hope this inspires you and you can take away what is most important for your life.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BODHsU3hDo4

Thanks again.

"If you lead your life the right way, the karma will take care of itself," Pausch said. "The dreams will come to you."

Missing in Action

I am as usual too busy to blog so I will highlight my last 2-1/2 weeks.

And this picture has nothing to do with my update, but it is too funny not to post!

• 
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  4th of July my dog Bailey turned 6 and he ran his first 5k ever with me. We have run together since he was a pup, but never in an official race. We managed a 3rd in AG and finished in 25:07 with 2 stops to rehydrate. I was so proud of him as we normally train at 9:00/mile and he never gave up (he did poop out with about a 200 meters to go).

• Same day my little brother is officially kicked out of the military due to the injury to his knee during a live fire drill so he will never be returning to Iraq. I can't explain what a relief it is and how it still brings me to tears to think about it.

• A terrible awful cannot explain the rauchiness of the smell came about downstairs in our laundry room about 2 weeks ago. Long story short (as I may vomit just to think about it), a nasty, filthy rat had crawled in our dryer duct and died! There was maggots and lint everywhere...eewww...ralph! Thank goodness for my roommate Twizzle who bravely cleaned it up while I stood dry heaving and holding the bag. Needless to say we replaced the duct and the stench is gone.

• Last Wednesday the walrus and I took Austin, his son to the Maple Leaf track meet to run the 50m, 100m, 200m, 400m. We also saw KP and his twins, who just like there daddy are fast. I got some great pictures and Austin managed a 2nd in the 400m at 1:40. He is only 8! I am so proud of him. We stopped at DQ on the way home to get him ice cream, but I had to get in my run, so while the boys ate ice cream I ran home for about 5 miles and got no ice cream...booo!!!

• The HIM is looming like a dark cloud. The nerves have begun to accumulate. I had a really fun brick last Sunday cycling with Daisy and MN. Started out wet, but got nice and hot just in time to run (of course). Daisy mentioned how quite a few jokes could be told starting with "A brunette, blonde and a red-head go cycling...." There was also some water fighting with rear wheels going on. We managed to stop for a bathroom break and to refuel quick a little over half way through the ride and Daisy and I managed to pack sand in our cycling shoes preventing us from clipping in for a few minutes until we conceded to pull over and bang the sh#t out of them. Picked up TZ for a few miles and rode the windiest stretch of headwind ever out near Fairport.

• Monday night the Walrus and I decided both our legs were just hammered from the week before so we went down to Wildwood to swim with B-bop (my single roommate ladies). The boys, of course wanted to swim outside the breakwall. I had originally planned on going sans wetsuit, but it was way too choppy. We donned our suits and as soon as we passed the breakwall .... it was insane! Chop coming from all directions. The walrus described it as being in a wash machine. I could see both the boys pulling ahead of me and I felt so uncomfortable I even panicked a little. I thought..."this is how people drown...isn't it?" I immediately silenced the voice in my head and began swimming after them. I was not to be stopped. If they could do it, so could I. B-bop was having a little trouble at first keeping the water out of his goggles so I caught up to him, but that only lasted until he replaced his goggles and began swimming away again. It was rough and the longer I swam the more adapted I became to the random chop,but at the same time just couldn't find a comfortable rythm. I was getting tired and working way too hard to try to close the ever widening gap on the boys. Lucky for me they would stop and wait every 50 or so meters. I felt bad and offered to cut in, but they would have none of it. I had made it this far and if I could keep swimming, they would keep waiting. Onward I went and 15 minutes later with a few stops in between we reached the end (.25 miles). Yes, it was that choppy. I told the guys I would swim back on the inside so as not to slow them up, but when I made it inside the breakwall there was trash and dead fish floating everywhere and I freaked out. I began hyperventilating and splashing around trying to get out of the water as quickly as possible. I was so grossed out I thought I might hurl. There was a guy sitting on the rocks looking at me funny. He probably thought "girl you swam through all that chop outside the wall and now you are drowning?" As I ran out of the water and explained to him how all the debris in the water was freaking me out. He laughed and said we were crazy for swimming outside the walls. He then asked if we were in the Olympics. I smiled said no and re-entered the water on the clean side. I swam easy all the way back through the smoothest water ever (or so it seemed) in 9:00 minutes. We decided to call it a day after that.

• Same night we hit up the Tavern Company and picked up other roommate, Twizzle and watched her drink (2) 16-oz chocolate milks. Now, that may mean nothing, but the second one she sucked through a cocktail straw in 52 seconds thanks to the "Walrus timing system." I do think however that had the walrus not made mention of her sucking talents and refered to the possiblity of "sucking a golf ball through a garden hose," she would have finished sooner. Her eyes got really big and she made a very strange sound in her throat before all was said and done. I was trying to scold everyone for being so immature at dinner, but we all ended up laughing. Ahh, I love Monday nights with the roommates and the walrus...good times.

• This past Tuesday after work I hit the track around midnight with the Bails. I managed a 2 mile warm-up and then 6x400 with one lap recoveries, followed by a half mile cool-down before heading home. It was nice and cool. I would have liked to have done a few more as I was feeling good and it was my first speed workout this year, but Bailey who was NOT on a leash of any kind and free to run around and explore took it upon himself to run every darned lap with me. I even put out water before the workout for him, but he is so stubborn. Tongue hanging and heavy breathing (and no I am not referring to myself) I called it a night. I wasn't sure where I needed to run but I figured in the 1:40's would be good. It was dark though and I couldn't check my watch, so I had to run by perceived exertion (P.E.) and what do ya know, I hit everyone except the first (1:51) right in the 1:40's getting a tad faster each time. I am hoping this is a sign I will be running sub-7:30's in stand alone 5k-10k now. I also saw the fallen police officer's shrine on Glenwood. It was right on Corbett's farm property. I stopped my truck for a minute to say a little prayer for the officer's family. I grew up in Twinsburg and to think some dumb motherf#cker shot him just pisses me off to no end. It wouldn't shock me if the shooter was killed before trial and that would be justice!

• Last night I was supposed to do a long ride, but the kids really wanted to see me so I opted to hit a recovery trail run with a group at North Chagrin as I was on a time crunch. I arrived early to hit a quick warm-up and confirm my legs were available for use. I did not want to embarass myself by lagging behind and making the group wait on me, not to mention the heavy hitter e-speed would be putting in an appearance. I was good to go and met up with a group of 5 and we headed out for about an hour. I managed to stay with the group and chat with e-speed for most of the way. She was "trying" to taper for the Buckeye 50k, but she made mention of how her legs just don't understand what days off are and she finds tapering is just another thing to drive you crazy the week before a race. I have to concur. We hit Squire's Castle around 50 minutes and from that point on I knew one way or another there would be a nasty climb coming. The one I am used to usually causes my heart rate to sky rocket, but we turned off and did a hill that had 4 or 5 tiers which I liked much better. E-speed and SY took off up the hill like rockets. I just pushed forward nice and easy, but the hills were steep and my breathing became labored. I was okay though. It was nothing like Devil's Hill at Mountaineer. I could hear someone coming behind me. It was one of the guys in our group. We reached the final summit pretty much together, behind e-speed and SY. We turned to see AY, SY's wife coming up the last tier too. E-speed and SY felt it proper runner etiquette to go back down and check on the remainder of the group. The 3 of us thought it proper etiquette was to wait at the top :) We regrouped and took the non-scenic route back to the park entrance for exactly one hour of running. It was great. I always hated running in groups because I always struggled. I would run as hard as I could to keep up and the group still had to wait on me. It became so frustrating I trained alone for the entire year last year. I know there were certain people in the group last night that would hand me my arse in a race anyday, but it was nice to run with them even if only for a training run.

• My career is non-existant. I graduated with honors in my undergrad. I have 3 classes left to complete my master's, again with honors and no one will hire me because I don't have 2-3 years experience and ACSM certification, which is $400+ dollars. I thought about getting a different degree, but I am tired of school. I thought about going back to the company I used to work for that wrongfully laid me off because they want me back, but none of that seems right. So here it is, I am finishing my master's, called a local hospital, explained I had a degree and some work experience in cardiac rehab and voila they gave me a job working for FREE. The plan is to get more experience, get my ACSM certification as you need 600 hours of clinical work and I have about 300 hours and then get a job anywhere. This means next summer I may be leaving my walrus and friends in search of my career. I have hinted at this, but it is time to sh$t or get off the pot.

And here I am now, sitting in the air conditioning finishing this up before starting my workout and hitting the lake and then off to work. Blah!!

PS. - I am also really disappointed, once again tour riders are testing positive for drugs, specifically my boy Ricco. DUMBASSES DRUGS ARE ILLEGAL!!!

One Spoonful of Stress Please

I am trying to keep up on this blogging thing for my brother who is as I stated in my last blog in Mississippi preparing to go to Afghanastan.

Stress, stress, stress. I try to keep my blogs positive, but the shit has really hit the fan. My brother has left for the military, both my grandfathers are not doing well, I think I have a fracture in my left foot and to top it off I think I may have moved in with the roommate from hell!!!!

I know I can be a cold bitch and compartmentalize my emotions when I find it is futile to communicate with someone or change a situation, but right now I just want to sleep. I keep praying my family will remain safe, and hoping my roommate will come around. I wish we could agree to disagree, but it just seems like no matter what I do I feel as if I am offending her. I can feel myself going on the defensive and wanting to do prepare for a war, but then just like a romantic relationship I get to the point where I realize she can't hurt me and I will be the bigger person no matter what the situation. The big downer though.... once again I see another selfish person that lacks hope and faith and can forgive. Once again another person that believes revenge and being angry are the way to go.

Oh, well on a positive note it will be a constant reminder of why I need to get my nursing degree and better my life.