Monday, December 28, 2009
Working On It
When I was in high school it seemed I had such great potential for my life. I had offers to play basketball in college and good grades to boot. It seemed almost certain I would go on to college and make something of myself. I would somehow then stumble along the right guy and voila` the "American Dream" would begin. I would know my place in this world.
I didn't and I haven't. I got my first degree in exercise physiology and really enjoyed it, but learned a job in that field would require a master's degree. Another two years was doable, but then the economy crashed and I had no experience and could only say that I graduated magna cum laude. Desperate to find a career in the science field I started my third degree in nursing. I wasn't certain this was exactly what I wanted to do, but after sixteen weeks of grueling work I really, really loved it. It seems the career thing might actually be possible in a year.
As for the "right guy," I thought I was really close ten years ago, but it went awry and hurt me pretty bad for more time than I should have let it. When I finally realized it was time to "let go" the hurt had stayed with me so long it was a part of me. I feel like I have left that part of my life behind, but any relationship I have had since then, I have pulled away from. I don't mean in the sense where I broke-up (well sometimes), but the other times I would distance myself and close my heart off (please don't ask why, because I have no idea). I have tried to buckle down and "love" someone, but I can't. It is a terrible feeling when you want to care about someone and you know they're a great person, but you can't love them. I always feel like I am alone. No one will pick me up, but me. I don't feel comfortable sharing myself with anyone (even typing this is uncomfortable). I believe in love and soul mates. I just don't believe in them for me!
So here I am more determined than ever to keep going after "my american dream." I am not certain if I will ever attain it. I have a lot to learn about myself.
Here is what I do know about myself though... I am that motherf*cker that can run 200 miles in less than a month!! I found that out yesterday. I had a little less than 12 miles to run to hit 50 miles for the week and 14 to break 200 miles for December. I had finally broken the 8-minute barrier on a training run the day before when I averaged 7:55/mile for 7.5. It wasn't easy, but I definitely, did not have to kill myself. I didn't have much hope for 12 good miles, let alone 14, but the first 4 miles with Bailey went by at 8:30/mile and I felt great. I dropped him off and started again hoping for 8 more good ones. I covered 3 more and that was when I knew I was going to go for it. I started getting excited and thought "this is mile 193 for the month, this is mile 194" and so on. When I hit my mile 12 it was like a pinball machine lighting up. I was in the "BONUS" round!! I really got excited then and I started laughing and "whoo hoo-ing" on and off. I ran my 200th mile yesterday at 7:40 pace and averaged 8:11 for my entire run. After my miserable start to running or lack thereof this year, I morphed into a runner, I never thought I could be. I was consistent and strong, but most importantly I was uninjured and proud of myself. Yahoo!!!!!
It is seems like small potatos next to my "American Dream" but keeps my determination at the forefront.
Some things just work out differently for people, but until I know otherwise, I will keep working on it.