Working On It

When I was in high school it seemed I had such great potential for my life. I had offers to play basketball in college and good grades to boot. It seemed almost certain I would go on to college and make something of myself. I would somehow then stumble along the right guy and voila` the "American Dream" would begin. I would know my place in this world.

I didn't and I haven't. I got my first degree in exercise physiology and really enjoyed it, but learned a job in that field would require a master's degree. Another two years was doable, but then the economy crashed and I had no experience and could only say that I graduated magna cum laude. Desperate to find a career in the science field I started my third degree in nursing. I wasn't certain this was exactly what I wanted to do, but after sixteen weeks of grueling work I really, really loved it. It seems the career thing might actually be possible in a year.

As for the "right guy," I thought I was really close ten years ago, but it went awry and hurt me pretty bad for more time than I should have let it. When I finally realized it was time to "let go" the hurt had stayed with me so long it was a part of me. I feel like I have left that part of my life behind, but any relationship I have had since then, I have pulled away from. I don't mean in the sense where I broke-up (well sometimes), but the other times I would distance myself and close my heart off (please don't ask why, because I have no idea). I have tried to buckle down and "love" someone, but I can't. It is a terrible feeling when you want to care about someone and you know they're a great person, but you can't love them. I always feel like I am alone. No one will pick me up, but me. I don't feel comfortable sharing myself with anyone (even typing this is uncomfortable). I believe in love and soul mates. I just don't believe in them for me!

So here I am more determined than ever to keep going after "my american dream." I am not certain if I will ever attain it. I have a lot to learn about myself.

Here is what I do know about myself though... I am that motherf*cker that can run 200 miles in less than a month!! I found that out yesterday. I had a little less than 12 miles to run to hit 50 miles for the week and 14 to break 200 miles for December. I had finally broken the 8-minute barrier on a training run the day before when I averaged 7:55/mile for 7.5. It wasn't easy, but I definitely, did not have to kill myself. I didn't have much hope for 12 good miles, let alone 14, but the first 4 miles with Bailey went by at 8:30/mile and I felt great. I dropped him off and started again hoping for 8 more good ones. I covered 3 more and that was when I knew I was going to go for it. I started getting excited and thought "this is mile 193 for the month, this is mile 194" and so on. When I hit my mile 12 it was like a pinball machine lighting up. I was in the "BONUS" round!! I really got excited then and I started laughing and "whoo hoo-ing" on and off. I ran my 200th mile yesterday at 7:40 pace and averaged 8:11 for my entire run. After my miserable start to running or lack thereof this year, I morphed into a runner, I never thought I could be. I was consistent and strong, but most importantly I was uninjured and proud of myself. Yahoo!!!!!

It is seems like small potatos next to my "American Dream" but keeps my determination at the forefront.

Some things just work out differently for people, but until I know otherwise, I will keep working on it.

Deadlines

I was really excited to take one month off from TCON (The College of Nursing), but they found me yesterday, emailing me that I needed to have a federal background check into Akron Children's by Friday...hahaha, go "F" yourself. It just isn't going to happen the week of Christmas. Escape is apparently impossible.

As, for the USAT National Club Challenge. I am really going to miss the swim miles for the month. It was too hard to get to the pool during school and now I have no vehicle...bugger!! It really doesn't matter anyway, I guess. I emailed my mileage almost two weeks ago and it is not updated. One commitment off my back.

In other news, I have been zooming and zooming around for a few months now, racking up all the miles I missed in the beginnning of the year. I managaed to crack the 50 mpw in November and got really, really close to 200 miles in October, so this month I got it in my head that I HAD to break 200 miles for month. Right now, I am sitting pretty at a little over 150 miles. I have never done this before and my legs are feeling pretty tired, no matter how many days I rest. My "comfortable" pace is hanging between 8:20-8:40/mile. I did notice however, that it used to take me 3-4 miles to warm-up, but now it is taking me nearly 6!! I even dropped an 18-miler in at 8:30/mile 2 weeks ago. I was shell shocked! I didn't run faster than 8:55/mile when I was doing my long runs for the Philadelphia Marathon. I feel like I am a superhero! I mean really, how many turtles can run as fast as this turtle?

Oh man, is Christmas really only two days away? I haven't done any shopping. Sometimes, I really think these holidays are more stressful than they are about love and family and a that mushy stuff, course I don't like stress or mushy stuff. Cripes!! I really wish Santa did stop at our house.

Within Reach

It's almost done, my first semester of nursing school that is and I am so relieved. Definitely felt like a marathon. Sixteen long hard weeks of training. I hit the 20 mile marker around week twelve and tried to pep talk myself that I only had 10k to go. I just had to hold on for 6.2 miles (four weeks), but I struggled. There was the incident at clinicals, the make-up work and 3 weeks of back to back exams. This was on top of my regular school work and the two days of my life I lost having to completely rest as per the doctor orders. These unfavorable events hurt me pretty bad like the thrashing my quads always take in a marathon. I struggled and fought to get back on pace and made a few adjustments to not blow-up and become overwhelmed. I was just hanging in there with exams, case studies, research papers, clinicals, all of which seemed to be at a pace that would indicate a blow-up was inevitable. Somehow though, I made it and now I am just passed the 25 mile marker, where I can feel the emotions coming to the surface because I know the end is near and I did it. Those emotions that you get when your favorite song comes on and you slowly build up in anticipation for your favorite part when you can bust a move and do the running man with a little bit of the cabbage patch mixed in.

Well, in this case my finish line looks like a very tall beer and a shot of tequila. It looks like I am going to end with 3 A's and 1 B. While the B is disappointing, it is completely acceptable. I spent a lot more time running and not studying. My stress level didn't per se change, but I managed it a little better. I just have to accept that too much studying and fretting about school may be more harmful to my health than good for my GPA. Who really gives a sh*t if I had a B or an A anyway when I am looking for a job right?

So with 2 exams and one skills test tomorrow (God, please let me pick the sterile gloves and not the wet-to-dry dressing or the mixing and administration of insulin) the end is near and my one month vacation is just 4 days away.

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***EDIT***

I got the indwelling catheter in a female. Uuuggghhh, not really the one I wanted, but I PASSED!!! Just got my cumulative exam on Wednesday and my "pretend" NCLEX exam, immediately after. I am 160 questions away from my winter break...YAHOO!!